...Funny thing is, I do play the flute- used to be professional back in my later High School years. I play tennis when I have the time and I have a couple other hobbies, but I just feel a huge lonely void in my life. I know that I am losing weight for myself and I don't even want to look for another relationship for a long long time, but I am just so lost and confused right now I am beside myself with an awful feeling of self-hate. I know I am a good person and that life goes on and that eventually better things will come my way, but I have dug myself into such a deep lonely dark hole, and in a way I almost want to stay here. I am a very shy and reserved person so it's not easy for me to make to friends or to talk to people. The thing that scares me the most is that I not only have thought about suicide in the past, but when I tried to go to sleep the other night, I was trying to imagine how it might feel if I cut my wrists...never have I felt so conviced that I will never succeed in anything. I can't even believe I am talking about this here, but being as how I have been going through a psychological war with myself and I know personally talking with therapists or counselors don't help, I just feel defeated and don't know what else to do. It is so comforting to know that even though you all are complete strangers, you are willing to give someone like me assurance and hugs.....I just can't get all this negativity out of my head - I have trained myself to think this way for years and now it won't go away!!!