What a well-written and thought-provoking post, ItsThe Woo.
This line resonated with me:
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I am in a smaller body and smaller clothes, but I have no memories, nothing grounding me to this form either.
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And this:
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Furthermore, the attention I now receive from other humans is overwhelming at times and can feel a bit claustrophobic; people look at me and talk to me. I believe I have undiagnosed social anxiety disorder, so the attention I now get is discomforting. It's ironic to think that I lost weight because I was afraid of others cruel stares and whispers, but now that I'm thinner and they approach me, I find this equally unwelcome.
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I was in the same situation a few years ago. But I didn't sort it out and gained more than half the weight back. I remember the intense feeling of just not knowing who I was anymore. Everybody seemed to be treating me differently. It was all about the weight loss. I got tired, even angry sometimes about people constantly commenting about it. But I always hid my feelings away, smiled, said thank-you, blah, blah, blah. Which only helped add to my internal confusion.
This time around I am working on this while I am still in the weight loss process. I recently finished a book called
When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. While not specifically about weigh loss, this book does address the issue of the mind/body/emotional connection and how repressed emotions contribute to disease. I am not scientifically inclined but I found the information about new discoveries in the field of psychoneuroimmunology fascinating. As I read the book, I couldn't help but wonder how weight issues fit into the physiological picture.
I know I live too much in my head. Getting a better sense of myself physically through exercise is something I've begun to devote more time to. And just paying attention to my body's signals. Noticing when the "fight or flight" response has kicked in.
I don't know if this has been any help at all to you. But you are not alone in this problem you have communicated so very articulately.
One thing I can recommend is subscribing to the
Skinny Daily Post if you don't already. Juju is a woman who has lost over 100 lbs and decided to write about the experience of keeping it off. I can't begin to tell you how many times this woman has articulated my frustrations with this whole weight loss journey thing.
I hope you don't mind, I'll post a few of my favorites below.