Hmmm, I've been eyeing this thread for some time now and been sort of afraid/reluctant to post. 6 or 7 years ago, I thought that the whole insulating yourself with fat idea was hogwash - even as I was slowly gaining my way to somewhere over 240 lbs. There were many months of utter denial in there where I simply wouldn't get on the scale, so I don't actually know what my top weight was. The turnaround for me came a little over a year ago when I'd been having some great success with CKD. Heads started turning when I'd walk by, and a guy chatted me up in one of my classes. All I can say is, "Holy freak-out, Batman." A few weeks later, hanging on by the skin of my teeth, I made it into onederland for the first time in maybe 8 or 9 years, a huge psychological boundary. As I looked in the mirror, a cheery little voice inside my head said "Wow, I haven't been this thin since I was r-.." Frankly, that completed my flip-out. I'd never really admitted that to myself before. In utter terror, I regained almost 20 lbs very fast.

The upside - I got to deal with a very old demon and I'm back, stronger than ever and ready to truly reclaim my life, body, health and career. (I previously fled graduate school in part because of the incident in question.)

Part of me Sooooo does not want to put this out on the forum. I'm scared, it feels vulnerable and I don't want to be the poster child for sex abuse issues. But... secrets kill, and if I'd had more contact with others in similar situations, I might have fared better myself.

At any rate, yes, sometimes it's really not about the food, and a person can be entirely unconscious of how and why they are using fat as a shield. And yes, sometimes things just won't smell any better until you muck out the stall. Shovel, anyone?

Cheers,

Friday