Hi, I'm Paris and I am a food addict.

A bit of my story... I was always a big girl and I never really tried to get my weight down. In middle school, I learned how to fight back against the taunts and physical abuse of my peers, and went on to have a relatively successful high school experience. I was active in sports, theatre, and marching band even though I was 100 pounds or so overweight. In college, I joined the fat acceptance movement and founded a club for fellow fat women called "thick chicks." I was very politcal about my food and my weight - I was either a vegan or vegetarian for most of my early adult life. Everything awful in my life was due to weight discrimination, or so I thought. I was very good at playing up victimization and helplessness.

Six weeks before my college graduation, I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that I was severely overfat. I had a hard time walking short distances, up flights of stairs to class and breathing while laying down. I constantly grazed or binged on sugar or flour/sugar foods in secret and continued to hoard food whenever I could. I modest amounts of the foods I loved in public and binged when I was alone. I would wake up in the middle of the night with pains in my chest and legs, but would soothe myself back to sleep with thoughts of breakfast pancakes and biscuits with gravy. I knew I had to do something... I didn't know what. I was low on funds and needed money for my graduation cap and gown, so a friend suggested that we sell plasma. I agreed and we went to the center together. When one sells plasma one is given a full physical. I was asked to do a semi-naked weigh and I complied. The scale read 265 and I freaked out. Literally. I left the plasma center and went home to cry. {This is also a good time to mention that the plasma center is less that 1/4 mile from my apartment, and I barely made it home without a heart attack.}

I spent all of November 2002 looking a low-fat diets. I decided to do Weight Watchers at Home. I officially began on 12/11/02. I chose WW because of the points system that allows one to eat whatever food one desires, as long as one has the points for it. I spent the first four to five weeks eating a standard low calorie/low-fat diet. Slowly I worked my binge foods back into my menus, thinking I had complete control over them now. Well, no. I was back to bingeing by March 2003. I continued to work the program, or specifically I worked the program loopholes. I was notorious for eating 0 point veggies all day and a pint of ice cream for dinner. I continued to lose weight on this binge/starve cycle until July 2003. I was yo-yoing and I decided to give Atkins a try {check out the first pages of my journal for all the tips on how to do Atkins wrong!} I couldn't cut it on low-carb. I was cheating within days... I did not even manage a clean induction. I was also using copious amounts of cream and Splenda. I plan swapped for several months from Atkins to PP to SBD to SBD/WW combo. Finally, in September I went back to regular WW. I did well for a while... but began the binge/starve cycle yet again. Christmas 2003 was my breaking point... I was hard-core rock bottom.

I binged through the holidays, always stopping just short of purging because I was scared of developing a "real" ED like bulimia. I completely isolated myself from friends and family - even my best friend who was home from Austin. While she and my husband were out on New Year's Eve having a blast, I was home, shoving myself face first into a pint of B&J. However, it was during this time that I came across an article by Frances Kuffel in O Magazine. It was all about how she lost 180 pounds with a 12-step program. She was chattering on about food addictions and bingeing.... my language. I was intrigued. I bought her book the day it came out and read it cover to cover twice - that was Tuesday, January 13. I attended my first OA meeting on January 14. I fell in love with OA immediately, however, I continued to binge until January 19. I then began to cut all refined sugars out of my meal plans. From there I decided to cut down on all refined carbs. This worked very well for the first 45 days; I lost a ton of weight, about 10 pounds. However, I was still not all that happy with the food plan as I was still having a ton of cravings. I talked extensively with DH about low-carbing and he'd said he'd give it a try with me. I agreed, but stipulated that we both would need to read {or reread in my case} the books. We did that and began Protein Power on March 8.

All the while I am rolling along with many days of abstinence under my belt. I am fighting the cravings, working the steps, dialogueing with my higher power... all of it! The withdrawl symptoms come again with a more severe carbohydrate resistriction, but I make it through. I am thinking I am on my way to recovery, woohoo! But then I made a low-carb dessert from my mama-in-law's birthday. I have a bit - no more 4 tablespoons. Hmm. No need for seconds. Cool. Then a few days pass and I keep thinking of that dessert. I find myself using more cream, Splenda and syrups in my daily meal plans. And, then finally I give in and eat my ultimate trigger food. Needless to say after 68 days of sugar-free bliss, 3/4 pint of ice cream done me in. I was sick for at least 2 days afterwards. I came here and talked about it extensively in my journal and with my OA sponsor. I never did decide if I had back to back abstinence after that... which brings me to my recent "slips." I began using polyols - ice cream, candies here and there. They tasted just like the real thing! And I want to binge on them because they are just like the real thing. The polyols soon led to sugary desserts each time I've gone to a certain restaurant - I killed my abstinence and the foods definitely brought back all the needs I have to binge.

{insert a big ole sigh here}

So this LONG post brings me here, to today. I have realized {again, the hard way, of course,} that I am a food addict and that I MUST deal with my food limitations. Not only can I not egage with my sugar and/or sugar/flour trigger foods, I also cannot have many of the low-carb sweet treats either - no low carb ice cream, puddings, cakes, etcetera.

And, I suppose I should have placed this in the beginning message, I am really looking for support from people who know what I am speaking of. I need support with my abstinence from the sugar, but also from the sugar-free and the regular old compulsive overeating of all foods. How can we support one another?

Yours truly,
Paris