Mad Carb rampage leaves bakeries barricaded, Bread Co. changed

Jeff Danie, Post-Dispatch, 02/01/2004

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Researchers at Washington University thrust themselves into the national spotlight yesterday with news of a possible cure for Mad Carb Disease.

"A vaccine is in the early stages of testing," said Ed Zwermer, chief carbologist at the university's medical school. "We're crossing our fingers that we've finally licked this thing."

Zwermer's team is one of dozens that have struggled to eradicate Mad Carb, a mind-altering illness traced to the high-protein diet plan of the late Robert Atkins. Technically known as insanitus carbohydratum, the disorder leads a subject to vehemently shun breads, potatoes and other carb-laden foods in favor of those brimming with protein and fat.

Although the Atkins diet has existed for decades, it wasn't until the past year that Mad Carb reached epidemic proportions. Diners left their bread sticks untouched at the Olive Garden. Beer companies began to highlight low-carb content rather than buxom bikini babes. What was once a diet plan suddenly morphed into a cult-like movement.

The movement then transformed into what we now recognize as Mad Carb. And in the past year, the societal ramifications of the disease have been plenty.

Just last week, officials at The St. Louis Bread Company announced that the restaurant would now be known simply as The St. Louis Company, a move designed to counter the anti-bread sentiments expressed by those afflicted with Mad Carb.

"It's a bit confusing," said a manager of one of the restaurants. "Customers wander in searching for Arch souvenirs or office supplies. If we're lucky, they grab an Asiago bagel before heading out the door."

One person who hasn't been so lucky is Faye Hilley, owner of The Eyes Have It, the potato specialty restaurant in downtown Ferguson. On a recent afternoon, a group suffering from an advanced stage of Mad Carb picketed Hilley's establishment, their signs containing slogans such as "Honk If You're a Tater Hater!" and "Starches? We Don't Need No Stinking Starches!"

Hilley is upset by the protests, buts feels even worse for the bakery across the street, the Bun 'n Run, which recently was defaced with a graffiti scrawl that declared "Better Dead than Bread."

"That's a symptom of Mad Carb," says Washington University's Zwermer. "After a meat-heavy diet, victims exhibit a tendency to literally become raging bulls, chickens with their heads cut off and, in extreme cases, fascist pigs."

Mad Carb striking the country at the same time as Mad Cow Disease has been a challenge - especially for national fast-food chains. Burger King now offers a bunless burger in response to Mad Carb, but McDonald's plans to top that: a new line of "safety sandwiches" to counter all Mad Disease fears. The first of these, the McNothing, will feature neither burger nor bun.

"We really feel there's a market for this right now," said regional manager Roger Balfour, adding that he's excited about the accompanying ad campaign: "If you're running scared, run to McDonald's."

Although Washington University is the object of this week's media focus, it isn't the only local campus to make national Mad Carb news. As first reported in these pages, an University of Missouri at St. Louis history professor recently authored a book theorizing that the Irish potato famine was actually an early example of a society ravaged by Mad Carb Disease.

Also making recent headlines was Carbondale, the southern Illinois city that made the controversial move of changing its name to Atkinsville. "Tourism was down, as was enrollment in our university," said councilman Leland Barstow. "People saw the first four letters of the name - C A R B - and couldn't get past the negative connotations." The change seems to have worked. "Visitors now come from all over just to say they ate fatback bacon in Atkinsville!"

Zwermer, meanwhile, says his vaccine should be available by summer. For Bun 'n Run owner Shirleen Henson, that can't come soon enough.

"The good lord says man can't live by bread alone," she notes. "But dang it, the same oughta go for protein, too."

Reporter Jeff Daniel
E-mail: jdaniel~post-dispatch.com
Phone: 314-340-8399