here's my addition:

11) after the first-thing-in-the-morning check, and the first-thing-in-the-morning-right-after-peeing check, you proceed to the kitchen for a cup o' joe, wait ten minutes, have a visit from the colon fairy, and then have a first-thing-in-the-morning-after peeing-after-coffee check!

12) you've noticed that you can wake up feeling "thin", get on the scale, and suddenly feel "bloated" (i must be retaining water- durn salty dinner...)

13) you wake up feeling "bloated" (i must be retaining water- durn salty dinner...) hop on the scale and suddenly feel lithe and bonny (ahh, nothing like the feeling of a clean colon!)