Thank you all for your kind replies

I have been on AD's this time for 3 years and during that time I have had a lot of ups and downs, this latest down is really getting to me I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle, I think of killing myself all the time but don't want to do that to my children. I feel my pdoc doesnt always take me seriously he diagnosed me with borderline personnality disorder a few months ago so I think he thinks I'm doing most of it for attention, this just isnt the case I WANT to get better I HATE being like this. Family and friends treat me so differently since last year not badly just differently I know it was hard for them to see me go through this. I had to go through so many different meds to get to the two on I'm on now, I had some very bad reactions especially when given prozac, I'm on the AD Lustral ( I think it is Zoloft in the US) 150mg a day I had to beg a few months ago for the dose to be upped from 100mg. It's like it works for a while then stops working I've told him this but he shrugs it off like I'm making it up to be awkward.
I have been trying to get in to a 12 week intensive therapy course for a year and have had several appointments there but I had a problem with alcohol ( was drinking a full bottle of brandy every other night) and self harming. I was told I had to have both these things under control before they would take me. I now rarely have a drink and am proud of myself for that and have done quite well with the SH but I ended up cutting a few weeks ago on my arm and face so they are gonna know when they see me. I'm in the UK and using the NHS service so have to take the help I get really cant afford to see anyone private.

I have battled with depression since I was a young child and have accepted it will always be a part of my life, it's part of who I am. I just wish I could find an even keel tho. So many people don't realise how hard this is.

Lynsey