I never knew why I had such an amazing desire to eat and I didn't think it odd that at 12 or 13 I could outeat grown men. I have only learned through a couple of years of therapy what the real issue was. I find it very hard to believe even now that something that happened to me at 11 years old had me totally screwed for this long, I am 31 now. I was a victim of rape by an older cousin, I always thought it was NO BIG DEAL.
I am ordinarily a reasonably intelligent woman however I have never been motivated to turn my mind to finding out what was making me so self destructive. I was of average(chubby) weight until 13 at which point I went through a very rough period of my adolesence and began a very unhealthy eating and exercise regimen and went from about an 18/20 to a size 6 in around a year. At 15 I found one and married him at my mother's request, neither parent was able/willing/whatever/ to have me with him/her. It was Mike or fostercare; by 17 or 18 I had crept back up to 180 or so, simply because my nearly thirty year old husband could not give me enough of what I needed(lots of coddling+sex). I was childish enough to believe telling him I would eat all the leftovers if he wouldn't make love would help...
It wasn't long before he did not believe that I had it in me to lose the weight,I am 5'3 +3/4 and was pushing 230 lbs. So the dare/challenge was issued, he bet me that I could never have the kind of body a man would want to see, several of our neighbors were exotic (adult) dancers.Yeah, you guessed it at 21 years of age I was again a size 6,and toned, tanned, and fit, and taking it all off 12 times a day at a very low class strip joint in SO. FL . I didn't even make anything since I didn't quit my night job as a security guard and stripped during the day. NOW that was good for my not quite existant self-esteem. I buried Mike in about 96. He was less than 40 years old. I weighed around 160 at that point, I freaked big time, it seems I also am/was a codependant. I could not hold a steady job, find my own place to live I lived with family at this time, or generally get my act together. Then I tried dating, and surprisingly, it did not go well. I had my heart broken by a 22 year old, illiterate simpleton that I loved with all my heart. I then met a controlling abusive man who wasmy boyfriend/not for 7 years, of pure hell. He is very emotionally abusive and I've had busted ribs,etc. a couple of times, it has only been in the last year I have been strong enough to tell we are not a couple. He had me on many occasions, pay for the things he gave me with illegal trade, if you know what I mean...Really good for one's self-esteem also.
Next enter the going to leave his wife married guy at work... Not a lot of fun and I even managed to let him get me knocked up. I of course ran back to my ever-embracing abusive ex. and got a termination. I had another year or so of this erratic and insane lifestyle before I realized that I really needed therapy. I did everntually hit bottom. Most likely. I used to tell friends, yeah I went crazy but now I am back...Now I lost/gained 80 lbs in the midst of some of this at around 28 years old on the Atkins diet and it was soon after this that I realized I was maybe not ready for the attention I recieve as a size 6, or even a size 12, I am very busty, unfortunately.At about 30 I was finally told by my psychologist what was happening, and it hit me like a ton a bricks, and at about the same time I lost my hard-won 4 year career at a factory due to carpal tunnel syndrome,industrial disease, they say. Yeah you guessed it I was then at the maximum me, 26? lbs, and as despondent as I had ever been. I am now 31 as mentioned and finally(hopefully) getting my act together, will start a night job as a security guard within a couple of weeks, and probably starting college in Sept/03, I am not sure until I see my social worker. I am now working a lot on liking myself and trying to and losing weight, I am now about 200 lbs. still. Because of my past diets and extreme eating/exercise regimens I now have a lot of gallbladder sludge that apparently will become stones if I do not drink a lot or eat too much fat, well they couldn't hurt too much more than my hands do. I am trying not to binge and trying to remember that food is not a friend or a comfort. I have only been on Atkins this time since Mar. and have fallen out of Induction like 3,4 times already.For nearly a week at a time I ate BIg Macs or Whoppers and frys with both hands, and in record timesmy latest binge was only 8-1-3. I am trying to forget it and not eat myself up with guilt, I am motivated to try behavior modification, if I ever find out how to, I tried yesterday and exercise seemed to help. I am very sorry if my tale offended anyone, I know I am A sinner, I am working on becoming a better woman...