I think Nicole's theory of competition for your father is right on.
Your mother does those things because hurting you makes her feel better about herself.

Your experiences sound very familiar--one of my very close friends has had similar experiences with her mother. Her mother is extremely competitive, extremely jealous, and suffers from depression. She competes with my friend for her father's attention.

When my friend was 14, she spent a lot of time with her father and they were very close. Her mother became jealous and accused them of having an incestuous affair. Her father didn't want to anger his wife, so he stopped spending time with his daughter.

In addition, my friend has been tormented throughout her life by her mother pointing out how fat she is, her diet failures, and her large size. Her mother cannot stand to have my friend complimented or get attention from family members, especially from her father.

A week before my friend's wedding, her mother attempted suicide (and failed, thank god). She has recovered, but is now obsessed with looking like her daughter (my friend). She dyed her hair the same color, styles it the same way, and went out and bought similar clothing.

My friend (I'm not using her name because I don't know how she would feel) doesn't let her mother hurt her anymore. She has accepted the fact that her mother will never change and never be a "mother" (i.e. kind, nurturing, supportive person) or even a person she wants to spend time with.

At her therapist's recommendation, my friend doesn't make an effort to see her parents anymore. She might visit them if they invite her, but she doesn't confide in her mother or speak of personal issues.

And best of all, she has a great husband who LOVES her big butt. Surrounding yourself with people who love you the way you are is the *BEST* therapy, in my book.

Anyhow, you sound like you know what's up, and it really is a good thing you live thousands of miles away. I just wanted to let you know that it's not your fault, you aren't alone, and that I feel for you and hope you find some peace about your brother's death.

Saramun