Dragging Oreos into court

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One thing you can say about California: We know threats to our health when we see them.

Car emissions. Cigarette smoke. Assault weapons. Motorcycle helmets. Protecting ourselves from ourselves is our mission.

So it shouldn't surprise anyone that we may become the first state to be saved from the Oreo. A lawsuit filed in San Francisco seeks a statewide ban on the sale of the popular brown and white cookie.

The suit charges that Oreos are bursting with hydrogenated (or trans) fats, which, in the great big world of saturated, unsaturated and polyunsaturated fats, are the ones most likely to make you dial 911. We're talking heart disease and clogged arteries. The coronary cookie.

The good news is that I have a new excuse to explain the first-round flame-out of my boys' soccer team last fall. The postgame snack-of-choice was Oreo six-packs, all around. The way I see it, the moms over-hydrogenated the players.

Not that Oreos are accused of being on the table of death by themselves. There are numerous culinary culprits causing waxy buildups in our cardiovascular systems. Many fast foods and baked goods are laced with trans fats, like french fries, crackers, potato chips, doughnuts and microwavable popcorn.

But the Oreo has been singled out, partly because its maker, Nabisco, allegedly failed to follow the lead of some other food producers and eliminate the hydrogenated fats, and partly because it is a high-profile icon an endearment of kidhood that also hitched a ride into our adulthoods.

We're past the point where we complain about such news. At this point, you have to assume that everything you breathe, eat, drink or do has the capacity to kill you.

We've been studying our diets so long that some things that at first we thought killed you faster than others, as it turns out, may even make you live longer. No-nos such as eggs, wine, butter, red meat, beer and chocolate have all been cleared by one "expert' or another. Bacon, for crying out loud, is an Atkins Diet staple.

Not so with hydrogenated fats. The Food and Drug Administration, which sets guidelines on safe levels of food products, suggests zero intake of trans fat.

I don't understand the precise scientific reasoning, but they are accused of raising the bad cholesterol, lowering the good cholesterol, stealing cars, robbing banks and bilking senior citizens out of retirement funds.

But what a shame the Oreo has to be the poster food for bad parenting.

It's a toy as much as a cookie. How many foods spawn debate about how you eat the thing. Do you twist it apart and scrape the cream filling off with your teeth, or do you just bite it? Do you dunk it in milk?

Hopefully the issue will go away soon. Nabisco says it has been exploring its non-hydrogenated fat options, and claims its reduced fat Oreo is only half as loaded as the regular. (Half a sleeve is half as sinful, too.)

In any case, it's game-on in California, the first state to drag the Cookie Monster into court.

Gregg Patton's column appears Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He also writes "Like Nowhere Else,' which appears occasionally. Readers may call him at (909) 386-3856, fax him at (909) 885-8741 or e-mail him at gregg.patton~sbsun.com.