Does your SO sabotage your weight loss efforts?
 

Does your SO sabotage your weight loss efforts? Does he or she feel threatened by the new (or soon to be) you?

I have battled this situation over and over again with my bf. Every time I lose weight, stick to an exercise plan, tone down, whatever.....he feels threatened that I will leave or find someone new...and I give up everything I've worked so hard for because of his insecurities.

What do you do or what do you suggest I do to reassure him that I am not going anywhere but, I need to be healthier and weightloss along with exercise is a necessity? TIA

keli

Keli,

Problems like yours can be very, very frustrating, I know. Take this advice for what it's worth, namely, my two cents and nothing more. Having been married for about a hundred years, I can tell you that problems are usually on both sides. Is he really pathologically insecure (and he might be, of course) or are you doing something you're unaware of to set him off:
- are you suddenly buying new, sexy clothes and wearing them to work, e.g. "for other people" but slouching around at home in your comfy sweats?
- are you secretive about your weight loss and eating habits? I am, I grew up getting picked on by my skinny family, I just can't bear to talk about weight/food with anyone face-to-face. Maybe you think he's just not intersted?
- are you uncomfortable with the difference between your new weight and your old body image, and acting awkward? Are you secretly glad he's an excuse to return to your "comfort zone"
- is he similarly unware of how he's acting? My hubby keeps bringing home ice-cream, because he forgets it's not lo-carb, or he forgets that I am, or something. But it's not malice or sabotage, it's just absentmindedness.
- are all of these things completely off the mark, and I'm just a strange crackpot out there in cyber-cyber-land?

You raise good points, Matty. Maybe this is a two way street.
But if not:
Abandoning self improvement to please others drags the whole situation down. You, because you aren't improving yourself anymore, and them, because they haven't risen to the occasion.
His insecurities are HIS insecurities. No amount of reassurance from you will be enough, because it's never enough if the situation springs from their own problems. You can't touch that, only they can.
I think you should continue with your efforts and either he appreciates the better you (and perhaps is inspired to create a better HIM) or his insecurities drive him away.
Sorry, but that's the way it works. And can you stay with someone who continually wants to drag you down to their level? There you stay, miserable together.
That's not love.

If your bf is secure in your love and not the jealous type there could be a different reason for his attitude. My hubby used to cringe when he heard the word diet and it seemed the snacks just grew wings and flew into the house. I didn't have a problem if he was going to eat them himself but the things he brought home were things I liked and not things he would even eat.

Before I started this diet I tried others and I have to admit that I was a real crabby person when I was dieting because of simple hunger. I really made it hard for him to live with me so I want to ask how many diets have you been on and how hard did you make life for him when you tried them? If he is anything like my adorable, loving hubby he runs scared at the word diet.

This time when I started a diet I discussed it with him first. I'm not doing this to improve what others see when they look at me. I'm doing this because I honestly didn't feel healthy most of the time. I promised if something happened and I had to stop dieting I would and I also promised not to make his life any harder because I couldn't have the things he could have. If he wants cookies, cake and ice cream in the house bring it in but don't bring in the types that he won't eat himself. I told him I need his support this time and I haven't been crabby with him because we are both playing together and not making it a tug of war. Talk to him about it and tell him your feelings. You may see a different bf this time around. Good luck!

Wow...thank you all so much for the valuable advice. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it! If anyone else has any other experiences with this or words of wisdom...I am all ears.

keli

I would sit down and have a serious talk with him. Find out what his motivations are exactly. Also how is he sabatoging you? Is it a matter of bringing off limit foods home all the time, constant coments, or just stating you look fine the way you are? This WOL is not only about weight, it's also about being as healthy as possible. You need to remind him that your health is important, and you have a responsibility to make sure you ar ein the best shape possible, and to control things like cholesterol.

You are already well within a healthy weight for your height though. Could he be concerned you are trying to push your weight to low and sacrifice health for it? You may want to get your body fat tested and see if a goal of 120 pounds is even possible without sacrificing lean weight such as muscle and bone density. What may be a better goal would be to get into shape and tone up your body without worrying about weight. That could be something you and SO enjoy together. Take couple or family walks, or spot each other in the gym. That's how my SO and I started getting together :) Now I can't drag him to the gym :P

No, hes never even given the slightest impression that he has those feelings and I truly believe he doesn't.
Get the 'why' out of him and gently let him know that insecurity it a most unattractive attribute.

I've been seriously thinking about all that you have offered...

Yes,Mattie.. I have bought new clothes and changed my hairstyle dramatically...but, I dress up for him, work and to go out equally. He doesn't bring home high-carb foods at all.

He makes snide comments if a man in looks in my direction, throws a fit every time I go to the gym or water aerobics and complains about me following "this crazy diet" when we eat out. I keep my WOE on the DL...always have...but, for once my self-esteem is not rock bottom and I actually feel good about myself.

I am gonna have a long talk with him and if things don't improve...we'll have to make some hard decisions.

Thanks so much...I appreciate the 'free therapy'. haha

keli

wow, these are interesting accounts. I guess I am lucky that whenever I feel like trimming down, my SO follows suit and supports me. Instead of drinking beer at night while watching sports, be have flavored vodka on the rocks. Are latest favorite is a grapefruit vodka- refreshing. We just start to change habits slowly and then support each other to stay on the regimine.