insecure husband
 

I have lost a lot of sizes...from a 22+w to an 8 ladies. I have never been considered "unattractive", but was often told by my mom that I had "such a pretty face", and that I should loose weight to let my beauty show. Well, I didn't think that it would make a real difference...but I am getting lots of stares and smiles from men!! My husband is so insecure (he is very overweight), and told me that he is scared that I will leave him soon to "explore other options",,we have been married 18 years!!! Has anyone else had this happen?? I told him that I am this size now, and I am not going to change back for him or anyone because I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been. He told me that he doesn't want me to change back, in fact, he really likes the new me, he is just scared...what can I do to make him feel better??? :help:

A saying comes to mind here: "People may not always believe what you say, but they WILL always believe what you DO."
I'm not sure that you can say anything that will convince him that his suspicions are wrong, although it can't hurt to say that you have no intention of leaving him. I think the only thing that will convince him that you're going to stick around is....sticking around! :)
I'm curious, though...with as successful as you've been with low carb, has he ever considered joining you in your WOE and losing weight himself? He'd probably feel a lot more secure and he'd certainly be a doing a lot to ensure that you both have a lot more wonderful years together. :)
My DH and I have been married for 18 years as well. After I had been on low carb for 9 months, he decided to join me and work on shedding the 50 some pounds he'd gained in the [then] 16 years we'd been together. I often joke with him about not having to worry about divorce...It's taken me this long to train him and I wouldn't want to have to start over with someone else at this point! :lol: :lol:

Thanks for such a quick reply, and yes, he tried Atkins first!! I was using Meridia from the doctor and lost about 40 pounds on it!! He tried, but can't do it. He has no willpower at all. Once, when we were having an argument about something else, I yelled at him and said "don't you have any self control at all?", his reply was "look at me. Do I even look like I have any kind of self control?" I wish he would loose too, he would be much happier, and a lot more healthy, but he just won't do it. The doctor even told him that he needs to loose a lot of weight, but he just won't. It's almost like he is eating more junk now than ever just to prove a point or something. He looks at me and tells me how great my self-control is, then eats a huge bowl of ice cream, or half a pie!!

I agree with Lisa.
Perhaps your husband should followin your footsteps and become as irresistable as you aer.

this will do wonder for his self esteem and security.

Trust me...I understand the self-control issue. But as someone who has been (and likely still is) addicted to sugar and high carb foods, it's not just a matter of self-control. It's an addiction. I also know how hard it is to get past that overwhelming craving for sugar...been there, done that, lost a few rounds.
Keep encouraging him to make small changes...maybe cut out sugar first (hey...why not replace that regular ice cream with CarbSmart...tastes just as good! :) ), then another change and so on. Some people find it easier to sort of "slide" into low carb by cutting back on carbs gradually...say first to 150 grams of carb, then 100 and so on. He may find that he loses well even at 100 grams of carb a day...you never know! :)
As my DH is fond of saying, "It's better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all." and "Often, the only difference between those that succeed and those that don't is that those who succeeded kept trying no matter how many times they failed." :)
Keep reassuring him that you still love him and that you're not going anywhere, but at the same time you can encourage him to give it another try....if for any reason that you'd like to be able to spend a lot more years with him. :)

You can lead a horse to water....

Unfortunetly for some it may take a health scare or soemthing else major before they decide they are ready to lose weight. And it does have to be something they decide for themselves they ar eready for an dwill commit to.

As for the insecurity, all you can do is stand by his side and love him. You can be a perfect model of a wife and never look at a man, never leave his side for a moment, or even blink, but if he gets it in his head to be suspicious he will no matter how little evidance he has. Just stand firm and reassure him. Maybe he'll get it after a while that you're not on the prowl :)

Men can have hard heads though and somethings take a while to sink in ;) Then again I know alot of insecure women too that trust anyone or belive they are worthy of a relationship no matter what thier paortner does to try and prove themselves.

My DH had the same problem. I'm always friendly to men and women and know alot of people. Suddenly it bothered him who I talked to and for how long. The first time he got mad I laughed at him I thought he was kidding!
Now that I've regained some its better but not good. I had a knock down dragout arguement with him this august after being out and running in to a guy we both knew from school. He was furious I talked to him for 45 min. I was in plain sight of DH. I told him met me thin, married me thin , watched me get heavy and nothing was different except the outer shell I was 13 yrs older! Dh admitted he was insecure and it was his problem and not my behavior. I hate arguing but this was necessary and helped to get it all out on the table. I've been with Dh 13 yrs. He is Hot! but worried about the pot belly he is getting. I tell him I dont notice cuz I cant look past the big green eyes and 6"4" of muscle!

I'm so sorry you're having this trouble with your DH. It's definitely a tough situation for you. Maybe he could use some therapy, if he's willing? If he's that insecure, and you think he's eating just to prove a point, he's obviously got some issues he needs to work through. Also, if he appears to have no self-control for dieting, why doesn't he ask the doctor for some prescription assistance? Perhaps an appetite suppressant to control cravings, or an anti-depression to gain control over his impulses. There's no crime in taking something that helps getting him get going. Once he's had some success it would probably be easy to do it without the assistance of medication.

Good luck!!
Bonnie

I already talked to him about getting help. He said that he will do it on his own. I have begged him to take walks with me, to play outside, to do almost anything...but he is afraid that he will embarrass the kids, and he just won't even try. I know that he is probably depressed, but until he admits it to the doctor, and to himself, he just sits. I have even cried, and told him that I am afraid that he won't be around for our grandchildren, and he says that he is afraid of that too, but yet, he still won't do a damn thing about it. I told his mom (who told me that she was worried about him) that I am not going to beg, I am not going to cry, and I am not going to yell anymore...if he won't do it for himself, or me, then he is the one who is letting all of us down, including himself. I don't think even a health scare would work. I already told him that I was going to enjoy life and have fun either with him, or without him. I would prefer that it is with him, but life is too short for me to just sit around wishing that I could do something!!!

I was actually on the other end. My husband had started Atkins about a year ago and drove me nuts anytime I picked up somthing to eat telling me about how many carbs etc.. He drove me crazy. Well to be honest I was jealous of his weightloss, a lil easier to say now.After I went to my doctor about my back pain he was telling me how loosing some lbs would help my situation. So I snuck hubby Atkins book and started reading it..After a week or so I decided to give it the good ole try and man Im glad I did. I sleep better, feel better and have lost weight..."FOR ONCE" Im glad my hubby ticked me off enough to get me to read the book. LOLOLOL...PS... one thing that burned my britches was that he lost 3 times the weight I did :) go figure

Angel

I suggest telling him that you are here to stay and that you want to help him better his situation. Start off by including him in your low-carb meals, even if you have to trick him. He'll realize that eating low-carb to help him lose weight is actually easy with little sacrafice as long as you have a good low-carb cookbook. Then try to incoporate exercise as best as you can. If he feels embarassed, drive to a disclosed location and take a walk in the morning, maybe do some stretches and a little light weight lifting. To him it may seem like a milestone but as long as you give him your support and go through it with him he should be fine.

I thought I had no willpower too. That comes from the chemical addictions of eating carbs. I would encourage him to just try it for just 2 weeks so he can demonstrate to himself that it is not about willpower, but an addiction that can be broken. Almost anyone is willing to try something for 2 weeks.

First, Carb "Smart" has high fructose corn syrup in it. This sucks. People should quit buying it, keep complaining to Breyers, and start complaining to the stores that carry it. It is deceptive. HFCS makes many people crave carbs.

Second, consider a two prong stategy:

1. Start slipping him low carb foods so that he realizes there is not necessarily much change. Dana Carpender's 500 cookbook is good. An extreme example: we had a friend who just basically quit cooking for her husband. She would put toast in the toaster and say "Here." But that was about it. This went on for 2 weeks and he figured he could eat better if he converted. (Also, he spouse was losing weight and getting to be a hottie so he figured he better switch.) He then went on Atkins.

2. If he raises the subject, consider saying "Yeah, that topic gets discussed frequently on low carb websites. (I would refrain from pointing out that you started this thread!) It happens, I guess, when one spouse loses a bunch of weight. I would continue to love you even if you did lose a bunch of weight."