Negative husband
 

Does anyone else have a problem with their spouse not acknowledging your weight loss? I have gone from a size 14 to a size 8 and he still keeps pushing like I haven't lost an inch. He comes home from work every day and asks what have I ate today. He is constantly telling me what else I can be doing to lose more. I think I am doing a great job. His first goal for me was 130 pounds, now he wants 120. I am wondering if I will ever look good in his eyes. He thinks his comments and questions are motivating, he just makes me feel guilty for every bite a take. He thinks if he says something good to me I will quit losing weight. Any suggestions on how to make him see his remarks hurt not help?

WHOA! Let's stop for just a minute. I don't want to scream and holler hon, but I had to reread your post to make sure I read it right! What scares me very much about what you said is that HE is setting goals for you? Why would he be setting goals for you???

I want to lose the weight also, but my goal is the size I feel comfortable with, not a number on the scale.

Sweetie size 8 is small. I will never be a size 8. The average American woman is a size 14. If you're not comfy with your body, that's one thing. But you need to examine your motives for your discomfort. Do you see your own body realistically? Do you allow him (or others) to badly influence how you feel about your own body?

Losing weight is for you. For your health, for how you feel about your body. If he is pleased with your new body, that's great, but it's not for him. If you lose it for him, it won't stay off, unless it's out of fear. You don't want that!

Wow! Yes, if anything you should be doing this for yourself. He really doesn't have a right to set goals for you. And if he feels that he does, what has he done to improve his image lately? I fear from the whole tone of your original posting that this isn't going to work out well. You may loose weight and get to size 5 and 120 lbs., but his attitude needs to change as it sounds rather abusive. I don't mean to be sticking my nose in your business, but it just sounds that way to me from your description.

He should be there celebrating your loss with you. He should love you no matter what size you are.

I'm wondering if there isn't something else going on besides his issue with your weightloss.

Is having an affair out of the question?
 

I think I'm only partly joking, too...

There's way more going on in this than you seem to be aware of. Certainly I'm thinking this is no man I want to have anything to do with. What'd he marry you for, anyway? And what does he look like, Mr. Perfect Butt (head)?

Sorry, hon. How long has this been going on? Is weight the only thing he nags about?

Only a handful of posts into this thread and I sense an overall feeling of angst over the tone of the original post.

Melinda, the most important thing for you is to understand two things:

• your goals are your own
• some relationships can be toxic to you, your goals and your outlook in general

Your husband should be supportive, and offering negative "encouragement" is his form of control. If he wants 120 pounds, let that be his goal, for Pete's sake. As cs_carver already asked, how perfect is he that he should set this type of requirement?

You need to be comfortable with who you are aside from him. His standards are high for you, it seems. Unfairly so.

Food can be toxic to your body. People can be toxic to a relationship. You need to know what's best for you and do it, not take suggestions from the Peanut Gallery.

If his goal is a model-perfect you, he's unrealistic. Tell him so and stick to what you want for yourself.

I read this post once, waited a long time, then reread it. And I keep thinking the same thing. You are a younger married couple aren't you? Been there done that. Eighteen years into the marriage and many times up and down the scales he has finally learned. No longer does he bug me about my weight! Ofcourse he is very happy right now with me losing, don't get me wronge. But over time he has learned that nagging me about it gets him no where! I've beaten him into submission :doah: his words not mine.


Just keep on doing what you are doing, because you want to. Stop when you want to. HE may take some time to grow, but sooner or later he will grow.

And if you can wait till that long, tell him you don't feel like "it" tonight. You feel to fat to want to have sex. That may help him start sending compulments your way. :lol:

On a last note (the poor misguided man) in his brain he thinks he is helping you.

You should feel fabulous!
 

I want to say congrats to you on your fabulous weight loss. Size 8 and 130 lbs sounds like a great accomplishment. Pat yourself on the back.

What is your BMI at this point? Is it in the healthy range? Go to one of the medical web-sites and find out. Then if your husband says you should be 120, say, "No, I'm really looking great just as I am and I'm at a healthy weight for me. If I lose more, I'll be unhealthy."

He sounds awful controlling to me. Does he control other areas of your life as well? How good looking is Mr. Perfect?

Take a long, long look at what's going on here. I wish you happiness and success.

Jeannie

Your BMI is 23.8. Well within the healthy range. You'd have to be over 27 to be at health risk.

Jeannie

I was wondering what possessed you to marry this control freak?

And when do you plan to quit submitting to his control?

Sorry, but that's how I see it.

(This is coming from winner of the Doormat of the Year prize.)

Say "You know what honey? I think you should grow your *ick another two inches, too". See if that gets his attention!

Hee Hee Hee! Loved that one, ichihuahua!

This guy sounds like a real winner. Hah.

At a size 8, you are no where near excessively overweight, nor are you in any way endangering your health. If this piece of sh*t is calling you fat, and telling you to get down to an unrealistic 120 pounds, AND not praising you for your progress, he is doing so simply to control and dominate you.

He creates a void in your heart by making you feel worthless and inept, and he knows to fill this void you turn to him. He wants you seeking his validation. The goal of the game is to destroy you as a functional and independent entity, so you are forced to latch on to him tighter. The psychology behind this behavior is simple, if you are the weak one he feels like the strong one. It is a sick cycle in which he is brought up by bringing you down. He does this to you out of perceived worthlessness and insecurity; in a way he is projecting his feelings about himself on you.

These words may be hard for you to hear, but I want to be blunt and course to get your ear. Trust me, I have lived my life around people like this, and you will only ever feel good enough and at peace once he is gone. He won't change.

Oh dear.
 

Your post HAS struck a nerve in many of us, hasn't it? Hope we haven't scared you away. I hope the true situation isn't as dark as we are reading in between the lines, and I hope you don't leave the boards either way. There's so much knowledge and experience here, only it's just not the same as having someone you can talk to on the phone, or who can see you interact as a couple.

So I can only speak from my own experience, which is all any of us has. I've dated men who started in with little stuff, controlling and criticizing my appearance, friends, activities, etc. It progresses. And the really scary part, which I see for myself in hindsight and I think I am reading in your post, is that I started to think this was the right way to do relationships. You ask what you can do to change his mind, and now I see that MANY husbands would never even THINK it was their business to manage your weight and appearance. You are taking responsibility for HIS behavior, and you seem to think this is OK.

Unfortunately, and this may not be where you are now, and again, I speak only for me, IT GETS WORSE. The man I knew who started like this moved on to limiting my contact with the world, and while I left before the physical violence began, he had a history of hitting that continued with the subsequent partner. It took me a long time to understand how this situation got as bad as it did, and to recover.

I don't know your husband, your father, your experience with violence. I may be completely off base. I certainly hope so. I know some men will prevent their partners from accessing the internet, and I hope you are able to maintain this contact.

IF it should be that some of this strikes a nerve, you might want to read The Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. LOTS of good information about identifying men who will be trouble.

I want to hope your marriage can grow through this; it sounds like some of the other writers have worked out similar situations. Some people can. Either way, you are in a better position if you understand the variables.

Good luck.