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Letter of Apology to My Body

Hello, Fellow Low Carbers...
I originally posted this Letter to My Body in my journal... but it's been suggested that I post it here for those other than within my circle of low-carb friends to read. I've very recently become acutely aware of the relationship between my mind, my emotions and my body. Several days ago I woke up very early in the morning... while it was still dark out. My head was full of dialog about how sorry I am that I did this horrible thing to my body. I jumped out of bed and grabbed a notepad... not wanting to miss out on one fleeting thought. Because I had a bad eating day on Saturday... and it felt a lot like self-sabotage... I thought NOW would be a good time to gather those thoughts and remind myself just how important low carbing is to me.

After reading my letter, you might want to write a letter to your body. I'm telling you... if you write to your body from your heart, it will get you in touch in a way that you might not have ever been in touch before. It was an epiphany for me.

Quote:

Dear Body, my dear friend:

I can’t thank you enough for your patience with me all these foggy years while I ignored your cries for help and love. There were outcries: the fat, the occasional aches and pains, the anxiety and panic attacks. I realize now that the panic attacks were your way of trying desperately to penetrate my psyche… to get my attention. They were dramatic screams for help. But I couldn’t respond to these pleas since I didn’t understand them. They only made me more afraid… and I fed that fear with still more food… making you even fatter yet. But you’ve remained my best friend in spite of the abuse and betrayal. I overfed you to the point of obscenity… making you obese and hating you for it. I was disgusted and embarrassed by you… my most faithful friend. It was all my doing… my mistake… but I blamed YOU. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to pay attention to your cries for help. I know now that carbs have been my drug while they’ve been your poison. I numbed my emotions with them, and tried to quiet my fears. It didn’t work, of course. I still cowered in fear… but kept trying to dull my senses with even more food. All I accomplished was making you fatter, more miserable and less healthy. The worse things got, the more I loathed you. I see now how wrong I was. I do love you, my friend… and I’m so grateful for your strength and loving patience with me. I’ve been so selfish and ignorant. Look at the heavy price I made you pay. I’m so sorry. Let me make this up to you.

You have been strong and brave while I was full of fear. I tried muffling my fear with food… only serving to create new fears... adding the fearful health issues. You’ve been good to me… remaining healthy in spite of these years and years of abuse. All you wanted was to be healthy… to be loved. I overfed you while starving you of the love you craved. You wanted to wear pretty feminine clothes… but I made you shop in the plus size department. You wanted to ride a bike, but I said, “No way! Your ass is too big! People with laugh and point.” I hid out inside you… and made you hide with me. You wanted to wear sleeveless tops, but I wouldn’t let you. “Your arms are too fat!”, just like I’d been told when I was young. You wanted to go swimming, but I wouldn’t let you wear a swimsuit. You poor thing. I kept you from so much living for way too long. You wanted to wear bright colors, short trashy dresses. I said I’d let you if you weren’t so damn fat. You wanted to play, but I limited your movement and choices by making you fat. You wanted to be attractive… and have a good man in my life. Ben and Jerry were NOT the men you had in mind, I know… but the immediate gratification they brought to the party was good enough for me. Not for you… I know… but since my gut was in the driver’s seat, that’s what you had to settle for. That’s the best I was willing to give you. You wanted nutrition… and I overfed you by overindulging in comfort food. Temporary comfort for my emotional center… but long-term misery for you. You poor thing. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I want to make this up to you.

I really didn’t know what I was doing to my best friend. I honestly didn’t make the connection. YOU knew what I was doing to you. You begged me to stop… but my emotional self was in control… OUT of control, actually. And THAT part of me was so miserable, numb and afraid that I didn’t know how badly you were being hurt by my mindless out-of-control eating. I love you. Do you know that? I’ve never had trouble loving my inner self… but I hated my outer self. I’m a loving person and good friend… but I haven’t been a good friend to you, my wonderful body… have I? I didn’t mean to treat you so badly. I was drugging myself with food to quiet my fears. Thank goodness you did what you could to take care of things while I was so out of it. Thank goodness you didn’t give up on me. I’ll make this up to you. I’ll take the weight off of you… literally and figuratively.

I’m seeing more clearly now. I see the distinction and relationship between mind, body and emotions. I’m in better control. You won’t have to work so hard from now on. I’ll finally allow you to be who you were born to be. Together we’ll find out just who that is. I’ll take you swimming, adventuring, dancing, visiting, shopping and dreaming. I’ll buy you those sleeveless tops… and I’ll even get you that bathing suit. But most of all, I’ll love you like you’re worthy of being loved. Be patient with me a little longer. This could take time… but I’ll do my very best to change and make this up to you. I’ll ask for God’s help daily since clearly I can’t do this on my own. With God’s help, I’ll help you be who it is you’re longing to be… who God intended you to be. I’ll help you shine and live again. I know it’s been a struggle for you. I WILL make this up to you. I promise.

WOW!

Did this put things in perspective.....I can not thank you enough for sharing. I will write my own...in the mean time I am printing yours off and hanging it on my fridge.

You are an amazing writer... thank you again for sharing it with me.

-Amy

Thank you, Amy... I'd strongly recommend writing your own letter when you feel inspired. Heck... maybe even if you DON'T feel inspired. I'm not sure it's necessary to post it for all to read. I'll admit that that was hard to do... but for me, it made it more real...and more of a commitment to my bod. MY Body is saying, "Yeah, right. Prove it." THAT'S my challenge now.

Good luck to you, Amy! :wave:

Carol, I'm so glad you posted this here so that more folks will see it. I paid about $10 a week for months going to WW Meetings and didn't get nearly as much inspiration from all of those meetings as I got from your letter of apology to your body.

It takes a lot to inspire and motivate me and your letter has definitely lit a fire under me. Thanks. I needed that!
asugar :wave:

Thank you for such a wonderful post - I am sitting here at work eating my lunch and crying my eyes out. People are wondering what is wrong!!!

I also need to do this badly. Thank you again for bringing this to my attention!

Hey, Shoog! Thank you for that. As you know I was hesitant to post this... but haven't regretted it. In fact, knowing that others can relate makes it all the more relevant to me. Makes me go: "Yeah... this IS important. This IS a major key to understanding what makes us all tick." This, for me, is like the missing link that should have been obvious all the time! Thanks for your continuing support, Shoog. You're the best, girl.

And thank YOU, Darla! Gawd... I'm picturing you crying while you're eating your lunch. Been there, done that! Better than laughing and passing milk through your nose, though! Anybody old enough here to remember George Carlin's "Class Clown"? He "passed a tuna sandwich" though his nose when a friend made him laugh so hard. I'm glad the letter touched you. I hope it will inspire others to write a similar letter. It's made a huge difference for me already in my food choices.
:wave:

Great post - your honesty and pain reflects alot of how some of us feel (have felt).

Thank you.

Thanks. Your letter touched me. I felt my heart lifted. You put into words the feeling that caused me to change. When times get tough, lately, I remind myself of the promise that I made myself. I don't want to lie to others and especially not myself.

That was a very deep moment for me. Thanks

A Light In the Attic...

Lisa and statjunk... Thanks for your comments. The key for me is staying in this consciousness. I believe that I will now... since I've never been this close to my core. I feel like lights have been turned on... AT LAST!

Carol,
You are right though, about looking inward and solving your problems there. People can lose all the weight in the world, but it will not stay off until they face all of the "inner stuff" that got them there in the first place!

I good book that I have been reading off and on (how stupid - I should just FINISH it and start using what I have learned!!!) about looking into WHY we started to gain weight in the first place and what happens to us to make us turn to food at that moment. It really helps to write it down - like what you did or in a daily diary (not necessarily a food journal, but feelings and thoughts).

Obviously I was eating lunch here at work and snorting about passing the milk through my nose! :D What is worse is passing soda through your nose! :eek:

Wow, Carol that was fantastic. :thup: I had to read it two or three times. :)

Isn't it interesting how, when we talk to that body as if it's a different person, it suddenly becomes something 'worth' taking care of? We tend to take excellent care of our babies, our spouses, our pets, our careers, the car, the new hardwood floors... but our bodies take what's leftover at the end of the day, because the body is just 'you'. Not only are we too busy to take care of it, we also unleash incredible rage on it for "betraying" us.

But when you consider that body to be a seperate entity; something that works hard for you no matter how badly you treat it, you become aware of how much more care and consideration it deserves - and you realize that we, in fact, have betrayed our bodies, and not the other way around. :idea:

Thank you for sharing your letter with us, I imagine it took quite a bit to open your emotions to us. Your letter has really inspired me.
:)

Hello again to Darla... and hello to Kristine and April... Thanks so much for commenting on my Letter. It was from the heart... which I define as the best of my emotions. My positive and constructive emotions reside in my heart... and, it seems, that my more destructive and confused emotions live in my gut. This Letter to my Body came from my positive bank. Can you tell... is it obvious... that I'm doing all sort of introspection and reorganizing? I am... and it's a wonderful Pre-Spring housecleaning! I'm enjoying finding all these hidden treasures that I feel sure we all have!

Darla... I had to chuckle about the soda through your nose. I've done that! :rolleyes:

Kristine... I loved your observations about how we care for others and our possessions better than we care for ourselves. VERY well put! I liked that! I had posted something similar...well... along the same lines in my journal tonight. Here's what I said there... so you don't have to add yet another journal to your reading list...

Quote:

I've talked to friends many times over the years about how wonderful it would be if we could diet FOR EACH other. We all agreed that we could and WOULD lose weight for someone else. It would be a labor of love... but we wondered WHY we couldn't or wouldn't do it for ourselves. It made for very interesting conversation. Well... I think I might have found what works for me... recognizing and acknowledging my own Body as my best friend. Make sense? Does to me!

Sort of the same thing you said... in a way... eh? It's too soon to tell for sure... but somehow I feel SURE that by sort of dissociating myself from my Body... and seeing my Body as my Best Friend...well... I think I'll be more able and willing to do it for HER. I'm jazzed over this. Can you tell???!

April... Yes, it did take some doing... opening up THIS completely... but, on the other hand, I knew it was worth the risk of being judged harshly by some. It seemed so important to me, I thought that there MUST be others out there who might benefit from this different approach. I mean... most of us have tried everything else. Why not try THIS?

Thanks again for taking the time to post on this thread. I really appreciate your thoughts. -- Carol

>>"Here's what I said there... so you don't have to add yet another journal to your reading list..."

:lol: I don't have a list. I'm too unorganized. :daze:

Quote:

YES, exactly. :thup: Exact-o-mundo. :confused:

Clarification... The Shorter Version!

Not to belabor my point here... but I just got a post in my journal from a buddy of mine. Here is what she said... and my response. I'm posting this here, because my explanation about my Emotions/Mind/Body philosophy is much more compressed this time. I KNOW my letter was more than a bit verbose! :rolleyes:

Quote:

Posted in my journal by a friend of mine today:
My Body can be a bitch too! She is like an obstinate teenager and not at all interested in listening to the older and much wiser Mind. She is much more interested in her friends over there in that easy, high-carb world. (so much easier wasn't it?) Mind is persistant and will not give up on the child she ignored for so long. I'm thinking maybe the 2 of them of finally met and are headed in the same direction. Body going out of need--Mind, out of desire. Could this be what they call "Mind-set"??

Quote:

Posted in her journal in response to her post...
We're coming from different points of view on this one. I feel that my Body is the victim here. All my Body wants and needs is nutrition to do what it wants and needs to do. It's my Emotional Center that is overfeeding my defenseless Body. My Mind knows what to do... but has also been taken over by my more powerful Emotional Center... my Gut. I'm not talking about my physical GUT... my Emotional Center Gut... as in "gut feelings". I'm feeling much more in control mentally now... taking much of the control AWAY from my Emotional Command Center. I'm willing to make better decisions in my Mind on behalf of my dear friend, My Body. Does that make sense? I think we've been blaming our bodies for betraying us... when, actually, we've been betraying THEM!

This letter was beautiful! It really hit home with me...thanks for sharing this with us! I printed it out and will carry it with me to read daily...thanks again.

Your letter touched me too. I am printing it out to share with a few of my like minded at-work pals!

Jan

Carol CA,

I agree with the others. While reading your letter I felt like crying, I just could feel the tenderness of your words, and suddenly I realised that's how the dialogue mind-body should always be. I have the feeling my body will be from now on very grateful to you... ;)

Thanks for sharing

MJose

Doglover, Jan and Mjose... Thank you SO much for the kind words. Messages like yours make me very glad I shared the Letter with you. I'm glad that others can relate... and maybe... just MAYBE others can begin to change their own relationships with their dear bodies.

I've got years and years of bad habits and over indulging my emotions to overcome... but since writing that Letter to my Body I'm taking my body into consideration before eating anything. This is a GOOD thing. For instance, I've been on a peanut butter eating jag for weeks now. I'm talkin' straight out of the jar. A couple of days ago, I ceremonially threw out over a half of a jar of my beloved creamy peanut butter. Was my Body impressed? She ain't sayin'. I think the old girl is taking a wait-and-see stance. Can I blame her? :rolleyes:
Thanks again for taking the time to write. :wave:

Wow.

That was amazing to say the least. I am currently beginning a letter of apology to my body as well. I beleive my mind deserves a letter also.

Carol,

Thank you for sharing your letter. If only it were that simple...you have to know that you shared much more than just your letter with us. ;)

It takes enormous courage to share your thoughts and emotions like that. But foremost it is incredible that you pin pointed how you kept your body from doing the things that you both really wanted to do. AND you figured out right where the blame was to go.

There are so many excuses and so many reasons for overeating and being overweight, but the blame game is the most popular one of them all. It was always my favorite game. And like you, now I blame noone but myself, and with deepest sympathy for my body, my mind and my soul. I also chose my drug of choice. FOOD. I took comfort in it, I thought it was my best friend. I pushed everything aside just to be with it.

AND ALAS...I WAS WRONG.

Again Carol, thank you, for inspiring me to tune into my body, my best friend, and tell it that I am sorry. :thup:

I am also making a promise...I WILL make it up to my body as well. WITH INTEREST!! :D

Your post gave me chills, UAGirl! That's yet ANOTHER story... but, suffice it to say, I get affirmation chills when something holds a message that I need to listen to. Thanks for that.

One word I've tried to avoid since some counseling I had way back in the 70's is "blame". I liked "responsibility" better. But, you know, in this case I think "blame" IS the right word for the damage I've done to my poor defenseless body. Another word I've shrunk away from using is "victim". I've felt for a very long time that there are really very few TRUE victims... aside from children. We make our own choices... and are very seldom victimized. BUt, again, I did make my own body a victim of my emotions. So I'm really at a crossroad... rethinking old standards and definitions. Thanks for giving me more to think about.
Have a wonderful weekend.... :wave:

That was one of the best reads I have had perhaps ever!!
Our body is our temple and you mad me actually realize it for real this time.THANKU

I've been a lurker in this forum for months. I was around when you posted this letter. I was moved to write a similar letter to my own body, and it really impacted my life. I just wanted to tell you that.

CG

What a fantastic motivating letter

Thank you so much for sharing it here.

I will try to get the courage to write to my own body. I am afraid of what she would have to say, though, LOL!

Hi Carol. Thanks so much for sharing this painful, honest and inspiring letter. I am crying because everything you said is so true. You made me realize how awful I have been to my body and myself.

Maybe when it does not feel too painful I will write my own.

Peace
red

Carol, thank you for sharing this. You've said it all!
I've written one myself althogh not as deep.

I'll share with you!

Dear Old girl (My body)
Well although are aren't quite that old, you sure act like it sometimes.
I know it isn't your fault, only my own. I've treated you unfairly, You want to do so much that I won't let you do, because of the way you look. I'm truely sorry for that, because you are only my best friend. I really want to show you off, but even my dear husband, you are hidden from. I'm on my way now to make better choices for you, to get you moving and make you look your age. You have given me four wonderful healthy boys. And how do I repay you, by not caring for you as you deserve. You want to run and play with the children, I have been making excuses as to why I can't find the time. too much to do I say.
I sure found the time before to feed you very bad things though, didn't I?
I promise now to only eat thing you will appreciate and I will only eat enough to nourish you to keep you healthy and alive. No longer will I feed you things in which got you where you are today! :tears:

just moving this up so everyone gets a chance to read carol's wonderful and inspiering letter to her body!
Tammy

thanks for bumping that tammy and thank you for sharing your letter too.

i have a lump in my throat and its hard to compose myself- how true it is when someone said how easy it would be to diet for someone else... thinking of your body as a seperate entity certainly puts things in perspective

wow- im sincerely moved

I remember this. :D I'm glad it's in the Best of section! :yay:

I posted in this thread in June of last year and it's june again. Wow! Going to see how much I weighed then. :D

red

I couldnt hold back the tears reading that :(

I got the funny feeling in my nose then the tears building up in my eyes :(

Beautiful and so close to home :(