dating fears
 

I'm certain this must have been discussed before, and I'm certain I'm not the only person who feels this way but...well, here I am discussing it. I went to a NyE party and two men showed interest in me and one actually asked me out and I am in a half-panic about it. And I don't have booze, drugs, or carbs to settle me down! (I would take up smoking, but it's disgusting...lol)

I know that many of us felt safe and secure from the difficulties of romantic relationships in our overcoat of extra fat. I know that many of us don't jump up and down with joy at the thought of getting naked in front of someone new (yeah, I know I'm not up to "naked" with this guy yet, but let's admit it...this IS where such things lead, if all goes well)....I both like and hate the added attention from men whenever I slim down. I know I'm not alone in these thoughts/feelings, but it would help me to hear others talk about their experiences. Maybe one of you has some insight, experience, knowledge, advice that would help me feel calmer about this date and the whole process of losing weight and how that changes one's love life.

So have at it! And thanks in advance.

My response is short and sweet....
 

Hi Razzle....

I absolutely understand your panic. It is a scarey thing. I like to play the "what is the worst thing that can happen" game. If you think about the worst thing that can happen, I'm sure you will find you would survive it (the worst scenario, that is).

In short, if he is a great guy, and the chemistry is right, and you end up naked, well...... once the hormones kick in you won't be thinking such scarey thoughts. CONFIDENCE is the most attractive quality you can have. Relax and enjoy.

Its as much about you working out if you like him as it is him liking you remember.

Lucky girl.

Kim

Razzle,

As a guy (a small minority here! :) ), I think if a guy shows interest, that simply means he's already interested :p Naked or clothed, doesn't make any difference, as the only way we'd be surprised, is if there are hidden looks. Usually due to second degree burns or unusual skin disfiguration. As human beings, we project our images unto others, and can reasonably predict what others look like in their birthday suits. So, for all it's worth, if a guy sees you clothed, he has already seen you naked. :p

But away from all this physical dimension we all look for a mental/spiritual connection. Once we lay sight on a partner, the only thing that can go wrong is none-physical compatibility, since the physical aspect is already exposed from first sight. This should show up in a very short time after a few conversations. So I wouldn't worry about the physical part, it's already "covered".

Wa'il

Razzle - how flattering! Go read those resolutions I posted below in this General section.

The one that says "Burn your fear of rejection"

Read it till you believe it. And good luck out there, we're pulling for ya.

Re: dating fears
 

I understand exactly what you are talking about. Having been divorced for almost 5 years now after a 15 year marriage, the dating scene is very stressful for me as well. I think the number 1 answer for me has been to realize that all I can do is be myself. And if it turns out that 'he' doesn't care for who I am, then an inappropriate partner has been eliminated. I found a book that I keep re-reading because the advice is so sensible. It's called "If the Buddha Dated" written by Charlotte Kasl.

Try taking it "one date at a time". By that I mean....don't worry about what happens next, just enjoy what is happening now. Oh......and for the stress...just breathe. Long, slow, deep breaths. You'll be surprised how calming that can be.

Marlaine

Top Ten Worst Things That Can Happen
 

The advice given so far is very comforting and kind -- and right on, I think -- but Kim's "what is the worst thing that can happen" game set me thinking. I always think of "what's the worst thing that can happen" and it's never "Well, we didn't seem to hit it off and so I went home and we both lived happily ever after." No.

These are the worst things that can happen and are much the same fears of High Adolescence. (And a gender switch will work here; substitute "she" for "he" if appropriate.)

1. When you say, demurely, "I got divorced 15 years ago and really haven't dated much since" he gets up from the table hurriedly and leaves out a back door -- but not before writing on the men's room wall "[yournamehere] is frigid!"

2. When you get to his house and disrobe, he laughs.

3. When you get to his house and disrobe, he suddenly remembers an appointment in another state and asks you to leave. [Note: as any Cosmo girl knows, this is why you should always ask him to your house. Then he can leave at 3:00 a.m. and find a taxi home.)

4. He has a hidden camera.

5. At a crucial moment, 62 of his fraternity brothers burst from the closet, all with cameras, all laughing.

6. You don't know he has a hidden videocamera then, but find out when you see the trailers for the next hit movie at the local cinema. You've invited your parents.

7. He tells everyone you know absolutely everything you said and everything that happened.

8. Everything is wonderful and you're happy that you've taken this bold, brave step and he never calls again.

9. You call him and he hangs up.

10. At work the next day, everyone looks at you funny and bursts into giggles.

Razzle -- none of these things will happen to you :) But I understand the fears.

guys, thanks so much. I loved these responses. There is great wisdom here, and I LMBO ~ wa'il and alto's funny responses. (I swear, I find nothing more therapeutic or calming than laughing at myself!) And thanks sooooo much, wa'il for the thought that every man who expresses interest has "already seen [me] naked." That one really calmed me down. :eek: lol. and Marlaine, I really will look for that book--sounds like my kind of dating book!

you guys are pretty darned smart, you know that? ;)

enjoyed
 

I don't think I have anything real intelligent to add here, but I really enjoyed reading this thread.

I think I have to agree with Wa'il though....if a guy has shown interest, he's seen the packaging. :daze:

On the night/day of your date, make sure you leave lots of time to pamper yourself...a nice long bath where you can relax. Time so that you don't have to be rushing around feeling stressed out before you even leave the house.

I remember when I first started lowcarbing (before the Lowcarb Forum here came to be), and I was surfing another site, and there was a conversation about how great everyone's sex lives where since they started lowcarbing... (Hey, what incentive to lowcarb!!) Anyways, the bottom line was the group concensus seemed to be that they felt sexier after losing some weight.

Anyways, good luck with your date. Keep us posted.

Hi Razzle!
I've been divorced for 10 years and BOY! do I know what you're saying!! But, I also felt the same way when I was thin so its really just the new relationship jitters!! The good news is -- when and IF things should get intimate.... you'll both be so dazzled with each other, its unlikely you'll be "picking apart" how the bodies look naked.
Enjoy the dates!!! Don't let anxiety get in the way of what could be a wonderful time!!
Ellie :wave:

report on my date
 

you guys were very very helpful...and then I talked with one of my wisest friends (a woman very active in the recovery community) and she too said, "you're nervous because you're imagining a future. stay in the moment!" And so I did, and...he was no great shakes...lol. Or not the guy for me, rather.

But wow! I learned so much this week, I'm grateful for the experience. I learned that I can find a good balance between trusting my instincts about "warning signs" while allowing a person some slack for "first date nervousness gaffes." (I had feared since I'd chosen some unhealthy relationships in the past, I was sure to continue the pattern...but now I'm not afraid of that!) I thought a lot the night of the date about what it was that didn't attract me about him...and really began articulating to myself what it is I AM looking for in a friend/lover. (For one thing, no "dates!" -- relationships only work for me if I meet someone in the process of just living my life and interact with him and see him interact with others normally for some time and let an attraction grow slowly, in context out of that simply living my life)

So the date wasn't wonderful but the experience was simply great! Epiphanic! Just what I needed from a kind universe. :)

Thanks for your help, people--it really was very helpful indeed.

Hey razzle - Glad you are not leaving out the possibility of meeting good quality men friends, via "dates".

venture
 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Everyday life is a learning experience.

I like your attitude!!

So, for all it's worth, if a guy sees you clothed, he has already seen you naked.

Eeek! :eek: Wa'il I'm blushing! And also regretting wearing this clingy sweater today! :o

Razzle, your friend is indeed very wise. Are you going to dish about this 'experience'?! :D

Take care,

:daizy:

Wow, that is very hard to believe. But interesting point Wa'il, it is nice to get the guys point of view on these things..

Cindy

here is a suggestion: have morals and decency and wait until getting married before taking your clothes off.

Spoilsport

:daizy:

Jim, hopefully that place that has "morals and decency" can also offer some reading skills!

Consider this more than just a suggestion, as our forum rules that you have agreed to, do not allow you to question other members decency and morality.

Let's stick to support here, and we can share links to other moral, religious and political discussion forums for those who are interested.

Wa'il

thanks wa'il...you've also kept me from responding with a lengthy academic discussion of normal female sexuality, the discovery of "killer sperm" and its significance, cultural relativism, problems with the patriarchy, and the history of marriage as slave state...lol. You're right, not appropriate for the forum and probably would have bored anyone else half to death!
;)

after reading the original posts regarding this topic and the liberal responses that followed my sound and reasoned and wise counsel, i am more convinced than ever that the main problem here that many posters have is much more involved and significant than physical health and weight issues..

You are right
 

Jim

You are right, some people here do have issues surrounding more than just the physical ones involved in weight loss. In fact, some people have some self esteem issues, some have some acceptance issues and some have trust issues. Given that, this website is usually and ideal place to be, because in general, people don't violate each other here. I appreciate that you might choose a different path for yourself than some members here, but I would think that given your lack of agreement here is based on a judgment of someones values, and therefore a judgement of them as a person, that it is inappropriate and ineffective and contrary to the spirit of the community of people, who try to provide each other with fair minded advice and encouragement. If we have to fear personal attacks and criticisms here, than what is the point of posting? There is enough fear in the world for people with "issues". Please forgo the negativity and judgment. You always have the option to pass by the commentary you don't agree with, or to present your arguements in a manner that does not insinuate personal judgements or attacks.

Mari

Very well put Mari.

:)

Not so much a 'problem' as a feature. ;)

It's marvellous to be associated with a supportive community such as this, where it's easy to find a comrade who can relate to one or more of the millions of issues that plague the human condition.

and they say irony is dead

Now that you're more convinced than ever, you have no reason to be visiting this thread.

The Newbies Questions forum is packed with great information. You'll probably find it less involved and significant than what's going on here.

Karen

Razzle,

Having been married for 24 yrs., I've been out of the dating scene WAY too long to offer advice.
However, I just HAD to say how excited I was to read that TWO guys came up to you and showed interest at the party!! Good for you! Have fun with the dating, and I agree w/ whomever said that the guy will be lucky to be out w/ YOU and that should be your attitude both w/ this date and all others.
You go girl!!

YB

Personally, I hope anyone here that wants it, married or not, gets a lot of gratifying sex (safe, of course!), and that it burns up a lot of calories and contributes to good metabolism :D !

Razzle, do you mind going on a small tangent and explaining "killer sperm" and implication?

thanks yoga! It's flattering but weird. Nice to know that at age 46, I still got some part of "IT" -- lol. The last guy I dated before this was 32 :) also flattering.

and alibabka (*love* your name BTW!), I'd have pmed you with this, but you haven't yet enough posts, so... ok, I'll do it here and risk a moderator erasing it ! (and :clap: for those great moderators!)

Men have some sperm (maybe 10% of 'em) called "killer sperm" which cannot fertlize an egg, but whose only job it is to seek out and destroy other men's sperm. Sperm lives inside a woman for 72 hours, max. This means that at some point in our evolutionary past, and probably not that long ago (welll, in evolutionary terms--maybe 100,000 years ago), we women were having sex with MANY MANY partners, one after the other. Otherwise, there would have been no need for killer sperm to evolve. Such mechanisms only evolve when there is a need for them. Thus, if one believes in a Divine Creator, we were meant by Her/him to have plenty of sex with plenty of different guys. Not that I do, but somehow, I find it a cheery thought, and a good antidote to a culture that would have us deny our own wonderful, joyous, active sexuality. :)

AMEN!!

Marlaine

Funny thing
 

Friday I told my friends who I game with that I was divorcing my husband and while I was using the rest room later that night, the guys got together and talked about me. The married ones wanted to know why the single guys were't asking me out after all I was funny, a gamer, and "pretty as hell"
Oh don't guys compliment so nicely? :p
So when I returned to the gaming room. They all were asking me if I would be interested in dating. I said no. Not because these are not good people but because I don't want a personal relationship. I enjoy and reveal in my freedom and its so nice not to have be dating. I enjoy my friends so much and it allows me to be my normal flirtatious self without hurting anyones feelings.
I've never been happier!