self loathing as you lose weight?
 

I have lost quite a bit of weight - over 30 pounds - since mid-July when I started Atkins and I feel really good. I am exercising vigorously, my blood work came back with excellent results, and my clothes are all loose. But every time I look in the mirror, my feelings of pride for my accomplishments disappear and all I can think is how disgusting I still am, how much farther I need to go, and dismay at how bad I let myself get in the first place. I see every ounce of fat and cannot lose fast enough and I just feel bad. I know that it is unrealistic to think like this and I try to talk myself back into feeling good about how far I've come, but then I catch a glimpse in a window or mirror and feel horrible again. Anyone else going through this self loathing, ie if I look this horrible now, how disgusting must I have been 36 pounds ago?!!!! :cry:

Do you have any pictures of yourself before you went on Atkins? That is usually a good motivator (and/or reminder of what you looked like). Don't get discouraged when you look at yourself in the mirror...just think of what you looked like before. It took a long time to put that weight on, so why expect it to come off so fast? Just keep working hard and stick to it and you will like the way you look better day by day.

Hi AJ

You have lost 30 pounds since July?? Well done you!!

Can you believe it? Aren't you pleased?? You should be. For whatever reason you made a decision to take better care of yourself and become a healthy person worthy of dignity and respect..every ounce of it!! You are not disgusting and never were. None of us are..I like to think I was sick. Now I am getting better. My addiction to carbs/sugar is not a moral issue - just a big issue. I know it probably sounds shlocky. Sorry if it does.

I think most people who have struggled with their weight have their own version of the tape that runs in their head that says that "I can't do it, etc". I always wonder if I (or you ) had a child that had won an award or completed a task similar to yours would you tell them how awful they "still" are? I hope not. On the other hand, I know I sometimes have my "doubts" because of past successes/failures. I just cannot listen to that stuff anymore - ya know?

Time for a celebration!! Positive reinforcement for all the hard work. Think Good thoughts.

Katyspice

Yep, I am with you there. I know I never really looked in a mirror so in my mind I was looking good. But now that i do critique every part of my body, I know what is there with my eyes wide open. Yuck!!!
Use this critique part as a weapon for staying on this WOE. Take pictures of your full body and look at them often, then you can see how well you have done.To turn the self loathing into something positive. Put the pictures around the mirror and then look at yourself--and you will have something to compare to. You will feel much better
angie

I think all of us, and even thin super models have fat days where we just feel fat and bloated. I made the mistake of trying on jeans yesterday. While the smaller size fit, it was a porportional thing. I still look 6-7 months prenant, even though the baby is 7 months old :( I don't know if I will ever get rid of this baby gut. While I have lost inches in my waist, the numbers say so, I have lost more weight in other places I think to where the problem is even more noticeable.

We all go through this. The frustration, the loathing, looking at old pictures and wanting to burn them (a actuly did throw away some pictures of me right after I had first baby. With the bloating from compilications ane being overweight anyway, I looked like a deflated beach whale).

If the self loathing starts to become a constant and you can't even occasionaly look in the nirror and give yourself a compliment, then it can be a sign of a larger problem. Also if it starts to interfer with your daily life. You won't do some activities because you think your to fat for them, if you spend so much time trying to find an outfit that makes you look thinner you are late for things, if everyone else around you tells you that you look great and all you can do is insult yourself, ect ect. If these are problems, then you may have depression or another larger problem effecting the way you see yourself.

Speaking to a counsler or your doctor may help. If it is not a chemical imbalance or hormonal issue the doctor can help with, then the counsler may be able to help you get to the root of why you feel so bad about yourself and how to start overcoming it.

When you start to appriciate some of the things about your body and how wonderful it can be, you may start focusing on making it the healthiest as possible. You may also have more energy, stand straiter, and be more active, all of which can help aid in getting to a healthy weight.

Hey AJ_0001,

Think of it this way, most people are gaining weight as they grow older - you are losing. Do you still need to lose more, sure - But you are much better off and much closer to your goal. You have taken control of your weight and are doing something about it. Give your body time and just enjoy the ride.

You are improving your self-esteem, appearence, and health - these are not trival things. If the average person gains 5 lbs a year, you have already turned back the clock 6 years! :yay:

You rule! :thup:

Thanks all - as I said I know it's unrealistic and silly to feel that way, but I think
1) I was in denial when I was rapidly gaining weight after quitting smoking a year ago Oct.7 (yay! I'm definitely proud of that one!!!!) so I never realized how big I was getting in the first place
2) I have always had weight issues and been on the chubby side and have grown up in a family (as most of us have) where thin=beauty and success so have to try to block all that out on a regular basis therefore self-esteem has always been something I've had to work at
3) on an intellectual level I know I'm doing really well - it's the emotional side that reverts to the chubby half-blind little girl in gym class who "nobody wanted on their team" because I couldn't see balls coming at me so I appeared awkward and clumsy - glasses improved that!
4) every magazine cover has an article about losing weight, being thin etc. and every TV show (just about) has super-thin actresses playing "normal people" roles
So, I know I'm great on the inside and I'm proud of my lifestyle changes and my successes, but I still get a shock and want to cry when I look at the fat woman (slowly becoming slimmer) in the mirror because OH MY GOD, like everyone else in the world, I believe that slim is better than fat or I wouldn't be living this WOL in the first place! Does that make sense? Have others been here and what did it take to get past that? It is definitely motivation...
Ana

Ana,
I have days like the ones you describe and the thought that helps me the most is "My weight is going in the right direction!" I no longer have to fear that I will keep gaining weight bit by bit and gradually becoming more limited in what I can wear and do, with no end in sight. You can't change the past but you can certainly affect the future, and you are doing so every day!

Congratulations on your loss so far.

Diane

I can relate. No matter how great your doing, ya just look at yourself in disgust of how you got there to begin with. The bigger I got, the more i shrank inside, and my self esteem just WITHERED!

I find with every passing pound or inch, I feel that much better, and while I do still say "ewwww" when look at my thighs, I force myself to remember that it didnt happen overnight.

My suggestion is to take a trip over to the success stories. I always imagine the day I can write mine. I see how far others have come, who may have been in similar situations and it gives me a good boost to know it just takes dedication and willpower to stick with this.

This support forum is great. For the times I have been really down, someone has always come to my emotional rescue :-)

You're not alone in the way you feel. I also suggest starting a journal. Its a great place to vent.

I'm working on stopping the inner dialoge that makes me feel that way. I know not everyone likes him, but I'm finding the Dr Phil book to be a Godsend in that department.

Visualization
 

Have your tried any visualization techniques? Just close your eyes and pretend you are looking through a camera or a camcorder. Picture yourself thin, wearing something flattering. Anytime you get down about where you are now, try this trick. It will impress upon your brain a better picture of you!

I agree, you should be sooo proud! I know what you mean about looking in the mirror and wishing you looked better...even I do that and in my head I KNOW it's crazy. I know people think I am nuts, I admit that I have an eating disorder (bulimia and binge eating), however, when I got pregnant with my little boy (14 months old now), I was 113 pounds and happy (for the most part). It then became about maintaining that weight. My DR thinks it may also be a little bit of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). It's not really about how I look to myself in the mirror, I don't have a distorded body image. I can look in the mirror and see that I am not overweight, but the scale must say 113 (and it doesn't). Please, no hate messages or harsh comments, I am being honest ( I have spoken with both My Dr and a personal trainer, both think I am okay in wanting to weigh what I did before, w/o being too thin)! I think finding someone who looked in the morror and didn't say they wanted to change it a little, would be very hard to do. Like someone said, even the slim super models proably aren't completely happy when they look in the mirror!

You are doing great...30 pounds is A LOT! Congrats on that!

Ladybelle,
I gained 70 pounds with my first pregnancy (she is almost 3 now), by the time she was 7 months old, I was 10 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant! You can do it! Have you tried the Body For Life workouts? That's how I firmed up..it really works.

I hope you all reach your goals, this is a long hard journey and we have eachother, thru thick and thin (literally). Good luck and stick with it!

I can relate to this topic well....maybe too well..I too am proud of what I have accomplished over the last 7 months..loosing 75lbs...but yet...Im CONSTANTLY..picking on me...my low selfesteme has got me no where in live I can say that for sure...Im really hoping when I reach goal weight I will feel good....but alot of soul searching must happen before then....
I try to look at all the good in my life...and try not to stop and pick apart my body at every mirror....

someday...I will love me...for me....I cannot wait til that day..somedays its almost here and others its so far away

Keep up your great spirit..!!

Serena -- I wouldn't presume to criticise you. You seem to have a very realistic picture of your weaknesses, and by admitting an eating disorder, and having sought help, I can only admire your honesty and give you my support as you try to come to terms with becoming healthy.

We may have different problems, but isn't it funny how similar they really are, when you get right down to it?

Poatato,

Thanks for the nice response...I expected to get blasted by everyone! You are sooo right, we all have food issues or we wouldn't be here. Reguardless of the issue itself, we need support and we all understand that food is a weakness, one way or another! "It is so crazy", I think in my good moments..."it's just a friggen cookie"! Two days later, after feeling so empowered, I am binging and then, sometimes purging! The truth is, it is just a friggen cookie...why can't we get passed it?

I have been home all day cooking and baking for my little girls 3rd birthday party tomorrow. I have been making this elaborate cake and haven't licked my finger one time...the house smells of cake and I feel really good about not having any. Let's hope I still feel that way tomorrow at the party!

Anyway, body image is completely different. I think that as long as you can admit (because of the scale or the mirror or the measuring tape) that you are making progress, you're doing great!

I know how you feel. I have lost at least 20 so far (did not get weighed until after was on induction a week).
I am 2 pants sizes smaller. But when I look in the mirror I feel fatter than ever. Sometimes at 360 it seems hopeless. Then today while taking my aging mother shopping someone told me to move my fat ass out of the way.. Never mind I was pushing my mom in a wheelchair cart...... If she had not been there who knows what would have happened. But since she was there I just bit my tongue and kept walkin as if I never heard him... Like my own image was not bad enough before. And after not being able to pound his ass to salt I feel even worse lol

Aj, I hear what your saying...try focusing on the positive. Tell yourself 'I've lost 30 pounds', 'Im doing it, and nothing can stop me', 'I will lose it this time', 'Im feeling so much better, my clothes are looser' ect.

ENJOY the journey..in no time, you will be there. ENJOY and REJOICE that you are getting there, and will get to your goal :)

Oh Ian, how horrible for you! I know exactly how you feel - people can be so ignorant and rude on one hand and yet so supportive on the other, like everyone in this forum. It's so nice to have a place where we can vent, knowing that at least people on the other end TRY to understand, even if they really don't. Please don't let ~$#holes like that get you down - you've already accomplished so much, and now I feel like a whining hag! Hang in there - I feel with you.

Hey, Ian??? You'd get a free pass on THIS one from me....<evillaugh>

Ian, I can't believe someone would say that! I am so sorry you had to deal with this! When people used to asked when the baby was due...NOT pregnant I would want to crawl in bed for days. Unfortunately, I think fat aversion is the one of the most openly acceptable prejudices. People are outrageous for truly believing they are better because they are of average weight!

I agree, what you weigh has absolutely no bearing on what type of person you are! I always start singing that old Tears for Fears song when I think about it..."people are people, so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully".

I was brought up in a house with a Christian, drug dealing father (who incidentally was in prison when I was born) and a Jewish, alcoholic Mother with an extremely overweight Grandmother (my Mom's Mom) and an anorexic and bulimic sister! Needless to say, my family is ver diversified, he, he! Really though, I was taught that people are people and we all bleed red blood....I have never and will never condone any type of prejudices...for any reason. I'll bet the guy that said such an awful thing behind you went outside and smoked a cigarette....same kind of problem, only your addiction doesn't polute his lungs! Maybe he doesn't smoke, but I'm sure he's not perfect, couldn't be or he wouldn't have said such and awful thing. I wish people weren't so judgemental!

Serena - I'm on week 4 of body for life. I don't know if I will be able to continue it though due to time constraints.

I am also haveing large issues with motivation right now. I have to drag myself to the gym. That's not workout orientated though as I have to drag myself to class too.

I'm finding myself really frustrated though. I've been in a stall and just not seeing the weight loss on BFL. I know I just need patience though. As for this kangaroo pooch from 2 c-sections, I am begining ot think only surgery would take care of it. I know alot of it is fat, but I have to wonder how much of it is loose skin, or just skin loose enough the fat hangs funny. I'll get the boob job first though I swear. Maybe if those puppies were larger the rest would look smaller ;p

This isn't a harsh message. I agree with potatofree. I think you have a realistic idea of where you want to be and I admire that. However, not always is it possible to maintain the same weight. I know you want to be 113, and you probably will be able to achieve it, but perhaps your body has just settled on 118, which in all respects, is a very healthy weight to be at. I am wondering - have you had your body fat % checked? You might find that you are very healthy the way you are now, and if you lose 5 more pounds, it might be muscle mass that you are loosing, instead of fat.

The reason I bring this up is because my mother is going through the same type of thing. She is 54 years old and weighs 129lbs and is 5"6. For the longest time, she couldn't understand why she couldn't get to 120lbs, which is what she had been at when she was in her mid-30's, before she had my sister. After months of trying to get the few extra pounds off, she finally accepted the fact that her body was not wanting to take off those extra pounds. And later that year, she had her body fat % taken and she was very good for her age group (24% I believe). Personally, I think if you managed to have a child and only gain 5lbs out of it, and stay in great physical health, then you are an extremely dedicated woman and you should be proud just of that accomplishment alone. I don't think any woman has ever given child birth and gotten themselves 100% back to exactly the way they were before. The body is bound to change after such a stressful time.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Potatofree,
Thanks but I showed restraint in my actions as you pointed out to me in a past episode....... See we can try to change but the #$%holes just keep hitting on me. I dont ask to be put down. It was very very very hard to just walk away!!!!!!!!

I just had a shot to my self-esteem the other day. An ex-bf is working in town for a few days. He made one of those remarks that nobody else would catch, but I knew full well what it meant.... When I dated him, I was about 125 lbs., and he'd point out my "flab" then! You can imagine what he thinks NOW!!!

I tried everything, and was thinking "I can lose weight, he can't lose STUPID." It still hurts. To top it off, the guy he's working FOR is my next-door NEIGHBOR, so the a**hole is always nearby. I've changed my route to pick up my friend for lunch to avoid their worksite...but since this whole TOWN is about 8 blocks long, and there's ONE cafe to eat at... it's a challenge not to feel his beady little eyes on me. And it's NOT my imagination, he literally STOPS what he's doing and stares!!!!

I'll be glad when the job is done. (They have several lined up before freeze-up..it's construction work) I keep reminding myself that he's a loser...but it's wearing me down. It DOES help that his boss has a crush on me...I can about imagine the conversations there!!!

Serena,
Actually, Depeche Mode did "People Are People," and the only sad thing about that is that I am old enough to know that piece of information! But, YOU are 100% correct, people who are happy and satisfied with themSELVES do NOT yell out rude things to other people in supermarkets, especially someone who is caring enough to take his mother shopping! OIK! Imagine that guy going home and saying: "yeh, today I yelled at some guy pushing his mother in a wheelchair." The average person would be horrified, and obviously the issues were not the weight of the person he was calling "fat*ss" but inside himself.

People can be cruel but going through life as a cruel person is its own punishment, I think.

Jasmine

Exxs can be to worst. I heard a ex high school love tell her husband "good thank god I did not marry him" At our 20th year graduation party this past year.

I really try to encourage people to have a high self esteem about themselves, first. That is the beginning of successful weight loss. I had a high self esteem before losing weight, that is why I had such a great appetite. I didn't eat for emotional reasons, I ate because I was hungry. :agree: My body doesn't look nearly as, well we'll say, unproportioned as it did a year ago but it looks better. I still have some sagging but my shape is trying to poke through.

Another thing, look at the people who have lost their bodies after becoming quadroplegics ( sp? ). Look at someone like Christopher Reeves. Then ask yourself "how can I loathe my body when I can walk tall, run, sign my name." :nono: :yay: What we see in the mirror is just a reflection. Losing weight and body transformation tells us that we are healthy and alive regardless of our size.

Black57

black57-- I appreciate your views, however I disagree that you ate because you were hungry, only... If a person ONLY eats when physically hungry, and stops when satisfied, eating for no other reason than to fulfill the body's needs, a weight problem is nearly impossible to develop....IMHO.

Whether I eat because I'm depressed or because it's a joyful celebration of life...it's STILL emotional eating, not sheerly for the physical requirement of calories....

Cristopher Reeves is a wonderful example of self-esteem, which is by definition, holding yourself as valuable and worthy. Even HE faced the dark moments of suicidal thoughts after his accident, and spent quite some time contemplating his own worth, before his wife and children convinced him that by his mere existance, he was irreplacible to them...but that doesn't mean he NEVER has moments when he looks in the mirror and dislikes what he sees.

Nobody is completely free of self-doubt. We all hold in the back of our minds a basic gatitude for the life we are given.. we forget sometimes, but it's there if we look for it.

Black57, I agree with you completely on self-esteem. We shouldn't dislike ourselves because we're overweight. We need to get to know the person inside the body, and if we find that's a person we don't like, we need to work on making them likable. I know I'm not perfect, but this has been my philosophy for some years now. At first, I stopped and looked at some of the people I have known through my life, especially the women who influenced me. I picked one or two great qualities each one had, then tried to put them into myself. No, it hasn't been 100% successful. I still fight being tactless, but have overcome a lot of it. I can still be jealous from time to time, but nothing like years ago. I had a horrid temper, and learned to control that 99% of the time.

Potatofree, the problem with me and food has a lot to do with the fact that I love to eat! Yes, a lot of my weight was originally put on because of emotional baggage I was carrying around. But it stayed there because I love food, plain and simple. Then later, I took off over 40 pounds and kept it off for over two years until I was expecting my first child. I had morning sickness constantly, and the only thing that would alleviate it was to eat, so that's what I did. Then later, when I would try to take some off, it would come right back on because I was so hungry and sick of dieting that I was ready to eat everything in sight! LOL Then as I got older I didn't increase the amount of food I was eating, yet at the same time have slowly been gaining weight over several years. So, in essence, a person can gain weight without increasing food intake and eating beyond the point of being full. I rarely 'over ate', but the types of food I was eating was the major culprit.

Adam, I've read a few of your posts over the past couple of days and there's no way you should be down on yourself or looking at yourself poorly because you've lost 'only' 30 pounds. You are doing great! And I can tell by your posts you are one swell guy with a lot of understanding of people in general. :)