Well, hello my people!
 

Here I am, feeling a little like a traitor.

I was a big kid, and my mom hated that. I was in WW at age 5, taking physician prescribed speed at age 10. There wasn't a time when I don't remember being on a diet. Yet, I wasn't an overeater, I was very physcially active, but I still graduated from HS at 275 lbs. (6')

The next few years, I yo-yo dieted myself like crazy, dropping my calories really low, and I'd lose 10 pounds just to gain back 30 after a few weeks. I kept waiting for the 'magic bullet' to come along and strip me of fat so I could begin my life, but that didn't happen. At 330, I decided I had to stop waiting and start living.

I learned about the size acceptance movement, and the more I learned, the more I understood about the cycle that brought me to this weight. I didn't deprive myself. I began to learn to love my big body, love other big bodies. I joined an exercise class just for fat people, and before long, the instructor encouraged me to gain Fitness Instructor Certification from the YMCA. It wasn't easy, but on one sunny day, I passed all their physical testing at 330 lbs. in a room full of Barbi's, who at most weighed ~120 lbs.

For over a decade, this worked great for me. I started teaching a water aerobic class, went to college, had a wonderful job, found love (a few times!), and generally lived a great life. Yes. Flying was a hassle, movie theatre seats were hit-or-miss, clothing options were dismal and expensive - but being fat was really okay for me. Certainly better than beating myself up with a scale and yo-yo dieting myself even heavier.

So... a few years ago I was diagnosed with a Lupus-like disease, and suddenly, I can't move very well. My body just froze up. Carrying myself around became an aerobic activity. Worst, I can't *reach* everywhere (like I can't keep myself clean without the use of hand held shower, etc.).

My weight has become my enemy again. And I feel like a traitor to myself because I can't accept this body. I can't love this body anymore. And I think those things are essential, so I'm conflicted. I know age and illness play major roles, but I have little or no control over them. At least my weight is something I could potentially manipulate.

So conflicted or not, I decided to try again. The one diet I never tried in all my years of yo-yo was low carb. After some research, it seemed like a WOE, not deprevation - you know?

This is now day 21. I'm not saying it's been easy thus far - mainly because all the energy needed to shop and cook and clean - BUT I can already move a little easier. (I've decided not to weigh myself for a few months.) And I'm eating better than I ever have before.

I was glad to find this forum, because I know many of you know what I'm talking about 'size wise' - you're my people. Is there anyone else out there who was an active part of the size acceptance movement? How do you feel about 'dieting' again?

Thanks for being here!
XOXO AntiM

welcome!
 

Welcome to the foroum and to the Triple Digits Club, AntiM (great name BTW)!

Thank you for posting such a thoughtful and insightful introduction. I'm fascinated to follow your progress, since you mentioned that you have never tried LC before. I'm definately not a doctor, but I'd be surprised if this doesn't work well for you. Just be sure to follow whatever plan you choose to the letter and don't assume you can make changes to it until you have thoroughly educated yourself. Even small changes can un-do the good you have done.

Good luck to you and post often!

Donald :wave:

Welcome to the club. Get ready for the phrase "Isn't that the diet that is no good for you?"(like carrying around and extra couple hundred pounds is good for you) or "Oh I could never give up. . ." and then they proceed to list all the foods you are trying hard to forget exist.

Well I was not part of the size acceptance movement. . .but I had accepted my size. . .it was better than bulemia (which I had for 10 yrs) and it was better than always feeling like I was failing. I am damn cute. . .so I did not let the poundage stop me. I shopped at the 'fat chick shops' and used the 'fat chick catalogs'. .. to me these were/are discriptive not pejorative terms. Although in the back of my mind is the reality that the women you see out there and active well into their 80's are not the 'fat chicks'. . .but late last summer came the last straw. I wanted to buy a spring/fall jacket and out of the hundreds of coats in front of me in the fat chick section of Burlington Coats I could not find one I liked that fit me. 2X and 3X were just not doing it. That made an impression on me. I started Curves a month later. It took me several more months before I started Atkins. I have never been on a diet for this long with this much sucess. And I feel like a skinny person even though my weight loss is barely noticable. . .but I know this will work. I feel better, have a ton more energy (well I am lying about that right now. . .been rehearsing for a musical til 10:30 pm everynight this week and I am exhausted.. . .but I auditioned before I started Atkins so my life won't begin with my weight loss. . .it will just make my life easier, healthier and longer.) redawn:)

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you found us.

I was never part of the size acceptance movement, but I gave up on dieting ten years ago and decided to be fat but fit -- I am a lap swimmer and my weight did not interfere with that. However, I'm 45-years-old and my weight was starting to cause me problems -- back problems, knee problems, blood pressure problems, etc. Also, I had reached the same point as Redawn -- 3x clothes were too small and I was having trouble finding anything to wear. I didn't know what to do, because I knew that low fat, low calorie diets did not work for me, until I read an article about low carbing last summer. Low carbing has been great for me -- I'm never hungry and I am slowly, but steadily losing weight. My back and knees no longer hurt and my blood pressure is back in the middle of the normal range. I'm not trying to get skinny -- my goal weight is 175 and I am 5'9-1/2" tall -- but I know that I need to lose more weight to continue to improve my health.

Welcome!
 

So nice to have you here!! I wish I could have been more accepting of my weight. I have tried dozens of diets some I put myself on, some my parents or doctors had me on. Atkins was the only one that really made a positive (or rather a negative ;) )difference in my weight. You need to read the book and follow it. Adjust only if you have allergies or intollerances. Be sure to drink all your water (being big makes us very suseptable to dehydration) and please don't give up. This is your first time and you'll drop in weight. This is my fourth time so I'm slower.. but not too bad. I'm 5'-8" my goal is 150 but to be honest 180 would be just as great! :thup:

Anti-M, welcome!

I want to start by saying that I love your avatar. There was a moment a couple of years ago when I caught sight of my body in a mirror before my shower (I'd been in the habit of not looking at it for a long time) and I realized that it looked just like one of those ancient goddess images. The notion that bodies like mine had once been celebrated in art and even revered made it easier for me to stop outright rejecting and hating my own body. It was a very transforming moment for me, and I believe it's what got me started toward the path I'm on now. But that's another story.

I can't add a lot to what everyone else has said, but I wanted to address this: I think you do love and accept your body. That's why you're trying to help it towards health and vitality. You aren't suddenly going on a starvation-or-die-et because you want to look like Barbie! You're not suddenly thinking "I've been a miserable creature all these years and I need to do something about it because I'm not acceptable as I am." Your body's needs have changed, and you are responding to those needs. I believe that is the essence of loving your body -- doing what it calls for for optimum health rather than forcing it to conform to an outside image -- any image.

When you reach a level at which you have the kind of vitality, energy, and mobility you've had in the past, you can stop -- move to maintenance and decide whether you want to stay where you are. Consult with your body and your heart, and find that place where you're healthy and happy. That will always be yours to decide, and if you're happy and comfortable and healthy, that's all that matters. A lot of us here are chasing health, rather than some outside standard of beauty. I know I am. I'm glad you're here with us.

--Ruth

PS - I hope I haven't gone over the line and been offensive with this post. I just wanted to emphasize that I don't see what you're doing as being inconsistent with self love or size acceptance. You're not rejecting something visual, you're reaching for the fullest possible health for yourself so you can participate in life the way you always have.

Welcome, and I know how you feel. I took my first doctor-prescribed diet pill at 13, after a battery of blood tests that left my arm bruised from wrist to elbow.

I have to be honest -- I do not love my body. I know I should, and I know it would help heal a lot of emotional wounds if I could learn to, but it's very difficult. I think as I keep "shrinking", it may come easier. :)

Hi there and welcome

I've been on just about every diet known to man and they have failed .... I've been on this for almost 7 weeks and thats the longest in 1 hit I've done anything and I've lost over 50 pounds - I'll do this forever!!!!

I had a weird thing happen when I did my last weighin - I was estatic when I realised I'd lost so much weight (as I only weigh once every 4 weeks) but then after a day or so I started getting a little down about the weightloss, questionning if it was healthy to lose that amount - all the bad negative thoughts started creeping back in - its only safe to lose 1/2kg a week on a low fat diet and look at me - kind of things ..... I started to think that maybe this wasn't the best thing for me .... then I stopped and thought about it, I looked at what I was eating and realised I had no control over the amount of weight I was losing, I was eating sooo much food yet losing so quickly .... my body was deciding how quickly to shed these pounds/kilo's ..... I kicked those old negative thoughts out of my head and I'm back to being in a good frame of mind....

I caught myself the other day wondering though where I will fit in once I lose weight, afterall I've always been the big one, the fat one, I've also been defensive about it, used it as a shield to keep some people away, as an excuse not to get involved in some things - what am I going to do when I lose this weight, who will I be then .... I don't know who I will be or what space I will occupy, I just know its going to be smaller space for a long time which is better than a big space for a short time .....

hmmmm rambling a bit today arn't I :D

Fee :D

WOW.....what absolutely insightful and honest posts here. I literally had tears in my eyes reading these. I too wish I could be accepting of my body, but that has not happened yet. I don't wear wonderful clothes. I wear what fits. I don't buy new outfits. I keep waiting to "lose" weight. Even things like new make-up, hairstyles etc. fall by the wayside, waiting for the day when I'm thinner. I was feeling really down when I realized all this, but then I thought....HEY I'm on the road to loving myself. I have already made the committment to a new WOE and regular exercise. The rest I'm sure will follow. Good luck to everyone here on your journey and with continued support of each other, I'm sure we'll all make it to where we'd like to be and to have unconditional love and acceptance of our bodies. :)

Thank You ... I Feel Warmly Welcomed!
 

Wow. Thank you for all the support. I feel blessed to have found this community. For all the people who created this forum, and especially all the people who post and breathe life into it, thank you. I look forward to getting to know you all.

:rheart:

XOXO AntiM

I'm curious -- why do you call yourself AntiM? I think of the character on the Wizard of Oz when I say it to myself, but that's not how you spell it. Every time I see on of your posts I find myself wondering what you are against -- why the anti?

You should start a journal. That way we could ask you these types of questions outside of the main forum. Also, for me, my journal is a wonderful way to track my progress. Everytime I get discouraged I go back and look at where I was a few months before. I post my weight in my journal regularly and it really does help me to track how far I have come.

This has been on my mind a great deal lately. I have always been heavy, except for a brief period in high school when I literally starved myself thin. So much of who I am, and how I feel about things, has been filtered through the layers and layers of fat, and how people reacted to my fat. Fee has voiced the exact same fears I've been whispering to myself, in the quiet dark after going to bed ... how is this going to change me?

I'm terrified, and excited, to find out. :)

Fiona and Celtinore,

I have often found myself wondering the same thing -- will I be different when I lose this weight? I know I will be healthier and I will look different, but will I actually BE different? I was not fat as a young adult (I'm 5'9-1/2" and big-goned, and I weighed 180 to 185 pounds all through my early and mid 20s -- not really thin, but not fat either), but I've been fat for 18 years now, since I got pregnant with my first child. Being fat is certainly part of my identity as an adult woman.

I would like to think I won't change, because I would like to think that my weight was no big deal other than with regard to the health risks it posed. However, I'm not so sure. I've noticed already that with the loss of 75 pounds, people react differently to me. If they react differently to me, I react differently to them in response, and that interaction partially shapes who I am.

I have noticed that I have become somewhat more assertive lately at work -- more readily telling people if I am bothered by something. I am feeling less apologetic about who I am and therefore I am more able to assert my own needs.

Does this mean that I am changing and I am not the same person I was?

Why AntiM / Where Will I Belong
 

Hi Liz, Fiona, Celtinore and all...

I've spent the last few hours (!) on and off trying to answer the AntiM question. This is the quick answer:

I don't have children, so I was tremendously happy to become an aunt a few years ago. My first name is Monika and my brother has taken to sometimes calling me 'Auntie M' (ala Wizard of Oz).

Why I chose that spelling is part of my on-going battle with depression. Sometimes the part of me who wants to disappear seems in charge - I call her the Anti M. Just a little dark humor, but...

Your quesions brought up so many feelings / issues ... I think I'm going to start that suggested journal.

As far as the 'where will I belong' posts, I know what you mean. Since age 3, I've never been less than obese for my height. What if I were merely 'fat' instead of 'super-sized'? What if I made it to that just 'overweight' zone?

These are the questions I'm just beginning to ask myself as I am starting to believe this WOE might work.

XOXO AntiM

Here's my thought (at least, the one for today!): I expect, once I am slim & healthy, that I will make some absolutely horrible fashion <I>faux pas</I>. I won't be able to help it -- after so many years of limited choice, it's going to be hard to not go overboard a little.

That's pretty much how I feel about the changes in my head, too; after so many years of allowing myself to be limited by my body image, what will I become when I no longer have that as an excuse? I will probably make some social <I>faux pas</I>, too -- and hopefully will learn from them. My adult identity is a fat, unhappy, unhealthy woman. I don't see how I can help but change some, and that's what excites -- and terrifies -- me. The question I hear in my head is, <I>Who's under all that fat?</I> And now I'm going to find out ....

I'm with you ladies on this one-Can I be a fit woman? Never been and don't know. I do know that I want to see what it is like. It's something that we all need to think about-this is a trmendous life change for us. Glad I am not alone in this.

Monika,

Thanks for being so honest with us. It is wonderful to have this place where those of us who are way above the normal weight range can come together. I don't know any women in my "real life" who weigh anything close to what I weighed when I started posting on this forum. Meeting the people here and seeing they struggled with many of the same issues I struggle with has been unbelievably helpful to me.

I think many of us have struggled with depression at various times in our lives. I did a lot when I was younger, but seem to have mostly overcome it in recent years, or at least learned how to fight it. For me, aerobic exercise (swimming or walking) makes all the difference in whether or not I feel depressed. It's one of the reasons I needed to lose weight -- I was starting to lose my mobility and could no longer walk comfortably for any length of time. I was still swimming regularly, but missed being able to do anything else comfortably. I am so glad I can once again walk for hours.

I am wondering if there is a third reason you chose AntiM as your name when you joined this forum -- is it also because you felt like joining a weight loss group went against your own self-acceptance and the identity you had created for yourself?

Hi Liz, DCBrowne, Celtinore and all...

Celtinore, have fun! What else are fashions for than to experiment and push those boundaries? Decorate thyself with abandon! But I was curious - what type of social faux pas do you think you'll make if your body image isn't limiting you?

DCBrowne, I used to believe anyone could be fat and fit. Now I think of it more like ... younger and disease free folks can be fat and fit. I'll probably be revising further as I get older and wiser. ;)

Is your size the only thing that's keeping you from feeling fit right now?

Liz, you hit the nail on the head. Yup - that's it exactly. Sigh. You expressed perfectly what was taking me days to spit out.

I, too, am so glad to have found this forum and it's posters.

XOXO Monika

Well, I'm not sure if it would truly be a <I>faux pas</I> or not. Right now, I tend to be very easygoing, very easy to get along with, very objective and calm ... on the outside. That's because I have this need to be liked, and being likeable is more important than being me. People at work ask me a hundred questions a day, in fact they ask questions that I answered not an hour before, but while my fingernails are digging into the underside of my thigh, my face is open and smiling and welcoming. I get that from my mother.

On the <I>inside</I>, though, I'm a fairly opinionated woman who does not have a lot of patience with people who won't learn or would rather weasel out of things than shoulder their part of the load. Iwould love to stand up in tomorrow's meeting and say, "Excuse me, but can we cut through all the **** in here and get something going that truly works??" I get that from my father. :D

The thing I hate worst about myself is not the size of my butt or the jiggle in my arms: it's this damnable need to be liked, and the lengths to which I'll go to supress who I really am just to win the approval of people who don't matter in my life!

I hope that makes sense! :)

Celtinore-

What you show us here on this board is a wonderful, sharing, caring woman-you are positive and pleasant and slways there for us. I know that you are not doing this just to be liked. You are too genuine and caring. Anybody who can't appreciate you is the fool who's not worth caring about. Keep being you!!!!

It sure is nice to have the support of other ppl who are in the same boat as you are. I personally can't wait to fit into a new size, but i'm thinking it's going to be awhile before i will actually have to shop for new clothes. My closet contains a variety of sizes at the moment. You know, all those clothes that you save that you're sure you were going to fit back into some day. Only problem is, I think that by time i can fit back into them, they will be way out of style. However, I think I will wear them, just because I can. Its so much fun to track everyones progress and see how well they are doing and celebrate in reaching all those milestones. Keep up the good work everyone. With continued perseverance, we can do it! :)

<B>~Donna</B>, thanks so very much for the kind words. My desire to be liked comes out most often at work and around my family (go figure), especially when someone asks me to do something, and inside I'm screaming "NO NO NO!!" but then I smile and say, "Sure, I don't mind ..."

I hope the thin chick inside of me will feel more comfortable speaking her mind, and not saying yes when she means no, once she's let loose! :)

This is such a wonderful thread full of so much insight and caring. I think we do lose sight of ourselves because so often in public we are overlooked.

Like you, Celtinore, I am the family YES person, the peacemaker, keeper of all family relationships. I'm soooo sick of it, but it would rock so many boats and be so misinterpreted as me not caring if I quit. I love and care for my family so much, but I wish just once in awhile, someone beside my DH would see what I could use. Adult children, teens, grandchildren, and aging parents...where do I fit in without everyone else falling apart. I want to do the leaning for a while, but can't. It seems selfish to me to want to put myself on a priority for awhile, but I'm little by little getting better.

I've seen weight loss change people in ways that I think have been abrasive and uncharitable. They look down on others still struggling. I don't want to be like that. I just wish I could look at myself the way my DH looks at me and feel about myself the way he feels about me. That will be the day I know I am complete. Emotional freedom for me is a lot about weight, but I do wonder if it's just because I let the weight hold me back from being the person I really want to be. The chicken or the egg.

It's a bumpy ride, but I'm glad I have this haven to turn to where people really understand not only the weight, but the hurt, the embarassment, the self-doubt and all the pieces that rob us of our dignity.

Deb

You know how you gotta crawl before you can walk? It might be hard to reach a magic number and say to yourself - "Okay, let her out!" Maybe you could let your inner thin chick loose a little now ... Every day, you could challenge yourself to saying 'no' when you mean it, or speak your mind. You could even practice here! :)

You say "being likeable is more important than being me" ... IMHO, the problem with that is that people never have a chance to really like you because they never actually know you! They may like the mask you put on for their benefit - but it won't penetrate to *you*. You deserve more, way more.

XOXO Monika

Hi there,

I will follow your progress with great interest. I am confident that you will lose weight on LC. Keep us posted.

Kenny

Amen, sister! Preach on! :)



You are absolutely right. But it's a little like <I>The Wizard of Oz</I> ... "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" ... same-old-same-old of fat = unworthy = need mask to be loved.

I should clarify, when I said "family", I wasn't referring to DH & kids. They are terrific, couldn't ask for better. The emotional baggage comes from aunts & uncles, and an ex-spouse whom I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Perhaps the secret key to letting out "thin chick" is to believe that she deserves to come out ...that the people in my life who have hurt me because of my weight (physically and mentally) <I>have no power over me anymore</I> -- their "judgments" don't matter, because <I>they never bothered to know the woman behind the fat. </I> I'm just rambling, but there seems to be a grain of truth in this -- it touched a nerve to write it, and my grandmother (very wise woman) always said that if the sermon made you squirm, then there was something in it you were meant to hear! :blush:

Grandma was right. I think this thread touched a nerve for a few of us.

Deb

I, for one, am looking forward to getting to know you, the woman behind and beyond the fat.

XOXO Monika

And I, you -- each of you, all of you -- this is such an amazing group of people! :)

I'm not sure how to say this without it coming out wrong, but I'll try.

I think we have to be careful not to view our experience with being fat only as a negative. Reading this thread, it is obvious that many of us have grown emotionally through our experience with being "different" than other people. I see a lot of empathy and caring for other people coming out in this discussion and many other discussions in the Triple Digits Club. Other parts of this forum often have threads in which people are arguing, stating that they don't feel adequately supported, stating that they feel negatively judged, etc. I have never seen that in the TDC.

The opposite of being too willing to put other people's needs before one's own needs is being selfish. We all need to find a happy medium -- we can't always prioritize other's needs out of our own insecurity and need to be liked -- but erring somewhat on the size of being more giving and caring is certainly better than erring on the side of being more selfish.

I think, through being fat, I have learned to understand and appreciate more the experience of people who are "different" in lots of different ways and I think that is true for many people posting here. That is a positive thing that I hope I don't lose as I lose the weight. Deb wrote about people losing weight and becoming abrasive and uncharitable. No one writing in this forum is abrasive and uncharitable and I hope we all stay that way. Let's make sure we don't lose the positive lessons we have learned through out experience of being fat. Yes there are negatives to being fat and it has affected all of us in some negative ways, but let's also celebrate the positive.

You are a great group of people and I am so glad I have gotten to know you all!