A note about "I'm concerned about your health"
 

I'm writing this because all of us here have been subjected to it and have perhaps unintentionally said this to someone. Hopefully everyone knows not to tell someone who is heavier that they should lose weight or not eat something. This is especially pertinent if the person one is addressing is a stranger or simply an acquaintance. However, I want to talk about some situations where this issue may be different but the approach ought to be the same.

1) You have been low-carbing and feel great. You have lost weight or even hit your goal. If someone asks you about it, you may want to share your success. However, please don't give advice to someone who doesn't ask. I understand the urge to give the advice, when I see people at grocery stores buying sugar and "healthy" low fat foods. But please, leave it alone. All you'll achieve is guilt for them and probably have them dislike you. People need to come to terms with their choices on their own and will seek out information when needed.


2) Someone you know has lost a lot of weight. Don't tell them, "you are so skinny" or especially "you're losing too much weight". You have no idea what is going on with their bodies.

I have been getting a lot of this second type of concern from friends who have known me at a heavier weight. One even suggested he was worried I had cancer (!). Meanwhile I'm at an extremely healthy weight for my height, exercise 4x a week and doctors are ecstatic with my bloodwork. But every time someone says I'm too thin, I wonder if I'm slipping back into an eating disorder and begin to scrutinize my body again.

Ironically, when I was 18 and at this weight or lower, people fat shamed me mercilessly because I was bigger than everyone else around me. So as you can see, aesthetics are relevant and widely varied.

All of us know healthy choices are better than carelessness, though willpower and intention differs across the board. It is concerning when a family member is making themselves unwell with their diet--in this case, think of a productive and sensitive way to approach them about it. But shame and "concern" doesn't do much to help people you don't know well, it only embarrasses and hurts them.

Food and health is personal. Just take care of your own and that's really enough for now.

This is true -- A few years ago I ran into an old acquaintance several times, seeing him where we both worked (a college). I had known him back in the 80s and I had gained a lot of weight while he is one of those genetically skinny guys so no weight gain. Anyway I was in an antique mall and the owner and I both knew this guy and I was mentioning him. The owner (another really skinny guy) said (of my aquaintance) "he's really concerned about your health." That bothered me as I knew the translation "Wow you're really fat." Also I thought it was rude telling the antique mall guy that. I answered that I was puzzled becuase I felt fine. But I knew why he said it and I didn't appreciate it. Plus both the aquaintance and the antique mall owner both smoke so maybe I had better have worried about their health.

The point I'm making is it can be real rude just to go up to someone and say that. It's different if the subject comes up in a conversation and the person is curous about healthy eating plans.

Wisdom.

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Wow what a wonderful post! Thanks for that MPrufrock!

At my age, I've had the "must be ill = cancer" thing because I lost so much weight in a relatively short period of time.

It wasn't quite as noticeable if you saw me day in and day out, but at school concert in 2014 some of the parents were concerned. One of my friends, also a parent, assured them that there was NOTHING wrong with me that I was losing weight on purpose!

(You can see the difference in my gallery photo: March 13, 2013 compared to the same concert in 2014!)

Yes, all very true. And it can get complicated. I am losing and want to lose, but I am also having a hard time getting enough food and I'm losing a little too quickly for my taste due to problems I am having with my food allergies becoming more sensitive. I have to eat everything fresh right now - no prepared food like sausage because of the spices. So, yes, it's fine for me to be losing but I'm also struggling medically in a real way. Not looking forward to comments at all, though none have happened yet even though I've lost about 30 pounds since the start of the year.

Nobody should ever mention another person's weight ever.

I had a horrible time but going the other way, gaining weight. When I was in nursing school we all went off to our ward rotations for 9 months where we didn't see most of the other students, and then we were back in class for a final four weeks. The ward rotation with awful shifts, sleep deprivation, stress, severe stomach bug contracted just prior to the ward rotation, added to pcos, insulin resistance and severe reactive hypoglycemia, meant in 9 months I put on a huge amount of weight - not sure exactly how much but around 140 lbs (no I hadn't been stuffing my face, and I had been really active).

To say the other students were shocked when we returned to classes is an understatement, and I got constant stares, comments, and yes, people pulling me aside and telling me how worried they were about my health. Also the 'do you realise you've put on weight' (of course not, I just thought my clothes had shrunk and all reflective surfaces had turned into fun house mirrors /sarcasm).

People are really weird about weight loss and gain, and often speak to the person like somehow they might be unaware that they had lost or gained weight. If someone looks like a skeleton and never eats in front of anyone, or has other signs of a possibly life threatening eating disorder, then by all means an intervention may be appropriate, but otherwise it helps no one to point out the blindingly obvious.

Also I wonder if, with weight loss, the person saying 'I'm concerned for your health' or 'you've lost enough now', is actually them meaning 'I'm uncomfortable with the changes you're making, it makes me feel worse about myself'.

Thank you for your support. I have been thinking about these ideas for a long time now and I wanted to a forum of like minded persons to share it with.

I wanted to add that the concern about "health" itself is very often a misrepresentation. No one knows about someone's health by simply looking at them. Otherwise studying for nearly a decade for medical degrees would be redundant.

Maybe it's time to admit that when you're saying you're concerned about someone's "health" you're more likely just making an aesthetic evaluation--that someone doesn't look the way you would like them to look. The need to tell people about how they look is more about you than them. I am certainly guilty of this and hope to remain self-aware and circumspect.

True. Being thin doesn't automatically mean you're healthy. That's a rather harmful assumption.

But in any case, when you ask someone if they have cancer there's a distinct possibility that someone will say yes. What will you do then? Why start a conversation that can easily have a horrible outcome?

Yes, exactly this. My husband is thin and can't get his AIC down from being borderline abnormal and has all kinds of crappy health stuff going on. But I'm sure everyone a lot of people think I'm the unhealthy one.

I've had a number of people "concerned about my health" over time.... An old family friend who I hadn't seen in years since getting to a normal size asked if I was "sick". I assured her at the time that the weight loss was on purpose and I was finally at a normal weight, not obese any more as she had always known me (since I was 12). Her husband told me later that she was worried I had cancer!

I've been called "eating disordered" by my (all fat and sick) family. And I've been told I'm "too vain" and that I was "attention seeking" by my jealous now-ex who thought other guys were looking at me too much :lol: .

Fact is, I'd rather have people comment that they like the colour I am wearing or the style or colour of my hair than comment on my weight at all :idea: . If you want to know what's different about me, comment that I am smiling more or something simple like that..... and if I feel like it, I will tell you how much better I feel and why.+

As far as I'm concerned, you can't win in this situation.

Five years ago I had cancer. I was reading everything I could find about it online. One of the things I read was by a woman who had lost a lot of weight because she had terminal cancer. She said several people told her how great she looked. When they asked what she was doing, she replied, "I'm dying of cancer."

Around that time I went to a party with some friends I hadn't seen in a few months. One of them appeared to be thinner than the last time I saw her. I honestly didn't know what to do. Tell her she looked good? Ask her what she'd been doing? I know it sounds stupid, and I'm pretty sure that if she had cancer I would know, but nonetheless I was stymied. I said nothing.

A few days later she called me, very hurt that she had worked hard to lose weight and "nobody said anything!"

I agree that the best thing to do is to compliment something about them that is NOT weight related.

A few years ago, I helped out in a friend's nutrition club, working behind the counter. I made a point of smiling at everyone as they entered, and, as I got to know them better, I would look for something to compliment.

This was in our WAYYYY northern suburbs, more like the rural parts of MN than the Twin Cities that they are actually part of. And people who give compliments are under suspicion, because they MUST have a nefarious intent.

But, after a while, they knew that I meant it, and it was fun, whether a member was overweight and losing, overweight and gaining, or had lost down to goal, to be able to get a smile by complimenting their hair, or their sexy lipstick or that blouse that looked so nice with their eyes. (Different types of compliments for the guys, of course!)

Laura, I'll bet if you told your friend that her outfit looked cute on her, she'd have happily talked about her weight loss, and assumed you were complimenting her on her weight! :lol:

I have only one word for anyone who tells me I'm too skinny (when I've lost weight). Jealousy.

If I can be polite enough to NEVER mention someone's weight, if they're clearly overweight, I expect the same in return about my body size. It's such a basic social skill that I just smile at people if they say goofy things. Because we both know what's really going on.

You're so right. Where were you when I needed you? ;) I will try to remember from now on to compliment people sincerely on something other than body size. Thanks for a good idea!

I don't even remember where I read it, anymore, but I've always tried to remember this advice on giving compliments. Never compliment the item, or the clothes. Compliment how it looks on the person.

That way, you are really saying that, rather than the clothes making THEM look good, THEY make the clothes look good.

I thought it was such a good idea, that I decided it would be my goal forever!

I was thinking of this; as we've all seen threads here to that effect. I've been through it myself. I tell myself that this is not for vanity's sake and that not getting diabetes is the important part, but I still get great motivation from compliments. However, it helps tremendously to have the perspective gained from the threads where we learn the likely reasons no one says anything when they see us at our hard-earned new size.

I have a vivid memory from 1972, even down to the exact clothes I was wearing at the time: A man I didn't know who saw me with my new baby in the store made a comment about how wonderful I looked that day.

What we say matters. Always.

Regarding compliments, I find it very helpful to find out what the person likes about themselves and if I truly can find a way to like that too, tell them.

I absolutely agree- especially because it isn't anyone's right to ask! I had a very severe nuerological condition 2 years ago that left me temporarily paralyzed, with double vision, excrutiating pain, dehabilitating fatigue.....i literally dropped 45 pounds in 3-4 months (and was at healthy weight to begin with).
Of course, my friends and family knew what was happening, but when people who don't know me well would see me (by then walking again), there were endless "concerns for my health."
I have a right to privacy. I didn't want to tell my life story 8 times a day, every time i left my house.
if you don't know me well to enough to know i would TELL you personally if i had cancer, i don't need you to ask. I mean if a healthy person drops 45 pounds in months, do you honestly think no one close to me would have said something if i had not been terribly ill????

*for record, i mean "you" as in general- certainly not you, OP!

generally speaking, i agree with commenters who feel others say things like this, because it is shocking to see someone (at a healthy weight!) when you always knew them as overweight/obese.... they likely worry you must be something very unhealthy to finally lose all that weight.....

You know, it's possible to irritate someone or start an uncomfortable situation merely by asking how someone is.... True story: At a charity auction one person says to a distant acquaintance, "I haven't seen you in so long! What's been going on?" Person #2 "My baby just died."

I think a genuine compliment, well intended -- like "You are rocking that dress" or "You look great!" is never amiss. I am thinking of the person with cancer -- the one who responded to the "you look great, what have you been doing?" with "i'm dying of cancer" -- I think that is an exception.... like the person whose baby died, and wanted to bring it up no matter what the context.

Life DOES happen and I suppose there are risks in any interaction (perhaps why people talk about the weather so much!!!), but I don't think exceptions like those should over-ride our desire to give out well intended compliments. I love when people comment on my weight loss! (But I know a friend who was reluctant to do so because she worried that I was sick.) Sometimes, it's a rock and a hard place!

Of course the phony "concern for your health" (especially from mere acquaintances) is not welcome. Then again, I'm remembering a colleague who approached me some years ago -- someone I didn't know that well (and someone I don't like at all), and she went into a huge thing about my weight, and how she was concerned, and how I needed to get my act together and lose it for health and professional reasons. She said all of this nicely, with the right words, and with what sounded like genuine concern -- although it was totally inappropriate.

But the thing is -- and I realized it at the time -- she was absolutely right. Sometimes facing up to reality sucks.... For me, it was important to be told, you know, this isn't where you should be. And it is going to hurt you in the work you do. Not a message I wanted to hear.... but one I needed to hear. None the less, it still took years more for me to find this WOE and actually be successful in doing something about it.

These days, I only comment on the topic if there is an actual conversation going on about diet and health, but then I only talk about what I am doing -- not about what what anyone else "should" be doing.

As far as compliments -- I would never bring up someone else's weight, except to say they looked great. If they take offence at that, I'm afraid, so be it.

Andante- I agree. In today's society, there is at least one person you are going to offend. I also think the vast majority of people appreciate a compliment that is genuine and take it at face value.
What i take great offense to is when a person who doesn't know you well, asks about your health (whether you are underweight or overweight- it is rude! and it is no one's business but your own).
For example, whether you were overweight or not, some colleague you barely know has no right to comment. it is not as if you didn't know you needed to lose weight....

Agree also, andante.

I thought most people are proud of themselves for loosing weight???
If someone came up to you after dropping 50+ pounds & said "Hey! You look great have you lost weight"? Wouldn't you be happy to answer with a resounding
"yes thank you 50 pounds"?

I know the bad remarks are meanness, stupidity and/or jealousy and totally uncalled for, but people are often all these things & a bag of chips, so wouldn't a snazzy comeback be good in these situtations?

Like...
"Hey didn't you know healthy is the new cool!"

"Thin & healthy doesn't run in my family, I had to chase after it!"

"You know rudeness doesn't bounce off me anymore & that was kinda harsh!"

Believe me I am not trying to be trivial about these things but I have always found that a quick wit trumps a stupid remark every day of the week! :agree:
And my heart goes out to everyone that has had their feelings hurt...

Um, no. And that was kind of the point of the thread. You have no idea what might have precipitated that weight loss, whether or not losing weight was a choice the person made, or what the condition of the person's "new" body happens to be and if they've just managed to mask a mess with clothing.

Saying to someone, "That dress looks great on you," or, "Wow. You really look great in that print," or, "What a great haircut. I love it!," are all compliments that place no value judgments on weight. Bringing up someone's weight when they haven't brought it up first is rude.

I've seen people lose tremendous amounts of weight because of the ravages of cancer and chemo -- people who started as obese, so didn't end up looking emaciated or even necessarily "sick" when out in public -- and then they have to endure being told how "healthy" they looked, or what "a great job" they'd done in losing weight. Exactly how do you think something like that would make them feel?

I went through a big involuntary weight loss recently myself. As a person who never had a problem with the way my body looked at any weight, and was already slightly uncomfortable at the size and weight I was at when the losses started, I was terrified and deeply unhappy over the state my body was left in. My close friends are very aware of that. People who haven't seen me in a while (I've spent the last two months either at home or in the hospital) could very well make some stupid comment about weight when I see them for the first time again.

The first time I hear a, "You've lost weight. How did you do that?," the person is going to get a completely deadpan, "I almost died," in return. And I won't give two sh*ts over how bad that might make them feel.

I love it when people ask about my weight loss. It shows concern and helps us share a common joy.

Oh dex you are right...sorry 😕😕😕 & I am very sorry you have gone through all of that...

See? You're going to hurt some people's feelings if you don't notice. And you are going to enrage others if you do. Rock and a hard place.

Just be genuine and kind, and maybe avoid asking questions unless invited? MOST of the time, that should do. People are all different. I had a dear friend who died of cancer, and she loved to be told how good she was looking.... I overheard her talking on the phone, repeating with delight a compliment I had given her.

So you just never know.

This convo has sensitized me to the fact that not all weight loss is a celebration, which is important since on these forums we are often celebrating our own and each other's losses. Lots of personal stuff can unwittingly be barged into on the subject of why someone loses weight or is changing their diet.

I was martied to a person who only thought a woman was attractive if she was literally skin and bones. I was very thin when I married him but that was because I had been bulimic and anorexic for many years, an extremely unhealthy situation. But I looked good!! As I gained a bit of weight over the years I knew that he was no longer attracted to me since he made that clear. During marriage counseling after 26 years together, he tried the "I'm just concerned about your health" speech. Right in front of the counselor I said " Cut the bullshit. You wouldn"t care if I was dying of cancer if it meant I was thin". I realized our marriage had no future when he agreed that I was right. I am now in a relationship with a man who likes me whatever way I am. For the first time in my life.

A woman came to my church disfigured. I thought my God shes being treated for melanoma or was in a fire. She was 2 days out from a face peel.