I've always said in the past that I couldn't be attracted to a heavy man. Then I met my current b/f. No one would call him slim. It never occured to me to reject him due to his weight. I like him for who is he, and weight doesn't matter. I find him plenty attractive. It's really just a mindset, it has little to do with looks.

I do encourage him to loose weight, but mostly for health reasons. I want him to be around for a long time !!

I'm a guy. I think that if it was legit (and I doubt that website was), then the husband is no kind of man at all. If he's real, he's a coward who ridicules his wife in public. He's someone who takes someone else's weakness and homes in on it. At the starting weight listed in your profile, you are certainly familiar with that situation, I would guess.

I'm not talking about confronting her about it, or discussing it within your marriage -- that's different. But to nag, ridicule and make fun of your wife publicly? What a soul-less prick.

And you, as someone who's been fat in this world, ought to at least have some empathy.



It's good that you're a long way down the road toward losing your weight. Doing that doesn't give you license to join the mindless throng of people who think it's just dandy to ridicule the fat. There is not an excuse for fat, I agree--we're all ultimately responsible for our health. But there is also no excuse for the attitude "Andy" showed with that site, or yours toward people in this forum.

Being an awful husband to your wife isn't acceptable. And you probably aren't familiar enough with marriage or commitment to understand that. "Poppycock" isn't what the commitment is.

I have to say, I would expect someone who has been through the fire of being fat to perhaps have a bit of understanding for that situation in others. It leads me to say that there are worse things--less acceptable things--in this world than fat. Your attitude appears to be one of them, especially in a support forum designed for people to help people. You aren't showing tough love. You're showing that you have a flaw other than fat.

I think she should lose weight for herself ,her self esteem and health but we all know that ultimatums don't work. she has to lose weight for herself not because some *ss tells her to or else. well that's my 2 cents.

jon

speakerguy wrote: The reality is quite simple: being fat is not acceptable (not even with the 'to have and to hold' poppycock so readily being bandied about as an excuse for fat-assery). When people learn this, perhaps they will de-chunkify and start living happier lives. I know I have :)
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Hi speakerguy, I recognize you and your attitude.

A friend of mine I grew up with has your attitude.
The thing about my friend is he has some good common sense ideas and is a bright guy, but his attitude is a lot like putting perfume on a skunk. It turns people off.

I have known my friend for 30 years and I know him well. I'll tell you what others and I secretly think of him (I would never say it to his face), just as he would never call me fatass to mine. If he did, he would lose one of the last loyal friends he has.

He's a lonely skinny alcoholic with no friends on the verge of losing his house. He is perpetually on unemployment because he cannot get along at work. He had two wives leave him! That's 2 women who got tired of being ridiculed for being fat, which they were not. You have to be a total putz to have a wife leave you, let alone 2!

Simply put, I believe he ridiculed his wives to make himself feel superior.

Of course he blames all of our old friends, his brothers, and his family for not keeping in touch with him, but it's the other way around. He is so abrasive in his attitudes no one will talk to him.

His poor attitude towards fat people spills over to other areas as well, for example people of color and women to name only two.

Well, gosh, hmmm.... I think the webpage is joke, not very amusing, but I dont think its a "real" couple. If it was a real couple, the male partner could find a much more compassionate and helpful way to get his point across to his wife. He sounds like a jerk. That said, I don't think its fair to one's spouse to let oneself go, on any level, physical or otherwise. Obviously, a marriage should be for better or for worse, but I do think spouses have an obligation to attempt from thrusting the "worse" part of the equation onto their partner if it can be helped. There are tribulations which neither partner can foresee nor control such as illness, but as shallow as it my seem, I'm not sure I would be physically attracted to a man if HE gained a lot of weight during the marriage. I would expect him to take care of himself and I would understand if he expected the same of me.

Sydnarella-- what if he lost a limb due to an accident, was scarred in a fire... the unforseen instances of which you speak? If you love someone, does it MATTER what makes their appearance change? What is it about weight gain that makes it so much less acceptable?

HI ALL!!!!! LOTS OF VERY INTENSE OPINIONS HERE!!!


I'm not sure if any of you have noticed, I've read a lot of post speaking of how he is humiliating his wife, however, this is a couples venture (assuming it's real), it was decided by both him and her to do the poll.

So this leaves only the fact that (if it were true) he is being unkind. However, he has agreed that if people find he is out of line that he would merely renew his wedding vows and be done with it. I think this man is not as lost as many find him to be, otherwise he would not be seeking the opinion of others. He would not need people to back him up. And even if they do, majority rules. He loves her, otherwise they would not have made it through 5 years, but he still has to sleep with her, and he has difficulty doing so while her looks deteriorate, then he has the right to tell her instead of instantly leaving her and leave her wondering why.

I think he's done the right thing with his wife by bringing it up. Communication. Now, imagine that the site is her doing, not his.

-mildwild

Mildwild-- if he loves her, he wouldn't need the validation of others...

If it were her, I'd be just as disgusted. There's a guy on the Dr Phil weight loss series whose wife is expressing similar opinions of her husband.

Well, I'm guessing that if I was married to someone who had an accident, I wouldn't see that as being something he could control. And in that situation, I'm sure that I would just be happy he was alive. I don't think that has anything to do with the fact that I don't think its right not to do what you can to maintain yourself intellectually, spiritually and physically for your spouse. And that would include both parties. To me, its a sign of respect for your spouse and for yourself. And I don't think I would be honest if I said that if I found that my spouse didn't respect himself, and by extension, me, that it might figure into my level of attraction for him. I would not, of course, humiliate him. But it would definitely be something I would tactfully bring up.

Point taken. So if the weight gain was a side-effect of a medical condition, it's acceptible.. it's purely a respect issue then?

That's funny, I think you're right. I think for me it is a respect issue. For men, it may not be the same though - I don't know. Its interesting to think about.

No amount of verbal abuse will make someone change for the better. People change when they want to, for themselves, end of story.

Hey, I do think "Candy" should lose weight, don't get me wrong, but I do not think she should have some perfect unrealistic ideal in her mind, and I do not think she should change only to appease others.

Remember people the goal at hand is good health, it is not to fit in with lame a** "society", and it is not to please some jerk guy, girl, or anyone else but yourself.

I'd be interested in hearing this, too. Speakerman is still a fairly large man, is he comfortable with the fact that many people who are thin believe he is unworthy of equal treatment, respect, and dignity?

Typical person suffering from NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

The narcissist feels himself superior to all, believes he has the right to manipulate and abuse others, in fact breaking down other people is one of his favorite hobbies (as it strokes his ego in contrast). When the narcissists life eventually ends in the toilet, as it always does as people eventually no longer can stand to be around him, rather than realize it is he who caused this to happen, he blames others and the world -- after all, the narcissist is infallable, all misfortunes must be caused by someone else's ineptitude.

Only way to deal with a narcissist is to leave them asap, they are sick and will only break you down. Sounds like this "andy" character and your friend fit the criteria...

I do agree with what you say in part, in a way by letting herself go totally and not even trying she is disrespecting her husband.

However, her husband is also disrespecting her by
a) outright saying her looks are the most important thing in their marriage, so important that he will divorce her if she won't go back to the way she was
b) forcing her to live up to some teenage girl ideal that a mature woman can't realistically or healthfully meet.

Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who thinks people should stay fat. I do think candy should lose weight, but she should do it for her, to respect and keep up her own body. The reasons her husband has layed out, and the manner he did it in, is absolutely repulsive to me. What about his behavior? That is at least as big of a disrespect to her, as her letting herself go is to him.