Hey friends...
 

Isn't it funny how the 3 of us could just happen to come together through this diet, and have so much in common, its a small world after all.
I think it is funny, you know I worked in a flower shop when I was younger, so now I do the casket sprays and funeral wreaths and all that too. We would be good together girls. Kind of morbid to be in this line of work, but as my husband says " people are just dying for his caskets" Thats an awful thing to say!!!
Jane, The pizza sounds good, will have to try it. I am trying to leave the sodas alone, it is hard to do. I love my diet pepsi. I had a diet 7 up yesterday, no caffiene, I think that is what I am addicted to.
I would love to see the jewelery that you are making, Renee. I bet it is beautiful. I used to go to Riudoso New Mexico all the time to race horses.
We went to Milam one time and I bought some real pretty silver indian jewelery. I brought it back here and sold it, I bought 4 thousand dollars worth and sold it for 8 thousand. I need to go back and get more. It is really popular around here. A good way to make some money. My best friend is a hairdresser and has a shop in town, she lets me display it there and when people get all fixed up, then they want some pretty new silver. Works for me. Of course I have a few pieces I could not part with.
That stone jewelery is popular too. It sells pretty good too, do you sell it Renee, or just make it for fun?
Well it is raining here finally we need it badly, it is as dry as a bone.
I am glad though that it waited until today, I spent yesterday with my kids, we went for a walk and swam, we had a lot of fun. We rented movies and just had a great day. I am sure going to miss them. Its only for a month, but it is so quite around here without them.
Guess I better go now, need to do some laundry so I can pack the boys clothes and get them ready to go... Talk to you girls later. Melameter

Melanie,

When I first got into the biz I too thought it was a little morbid, but I quickly realized that I am truely in a position to help people in a very personal way. People die, it's a part of life. We can't change that, but we can comfort those who are left behind and allow them to show the world what the deceased stood for and what they meant to them. Giving them a medium for that expression helps them work through their grief and results in a piece of art that represents the life of their loved one. That "expression" will be in the cemetery for centuries to come.

I love my job and can't think of a more rewarding career.

We have formed long lasting and meaningful relationships with many of our former customers. I can't tell you how many times a widow or widower has called me crying about how beautiful their Monument is and how much they know their wife/husband would have loved it.

I just don't think I could find that type of connection with my customers in any other field.

Having worked closely within the industry I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. There are rewards and opportunities to make a difference in lives on so many levels. It's sad that there are so many stigmas attached to it.

Oh well enough of that. Sorry if I got a little preachy. I guess it's pretty obvious that I take my work rather seriously...lol.

As for the jewlery, I've never sold it. I usually make it for my own personal use, or to give as gifts. It's more of a release and relaxation than anything else though. I just need to make something every so often or I get edgy.

I used to paint ceramics, and even made plastercrafts for a short time. I love crocheting and have probably made atleast one bedspread for every family member extending to my sisters kids and of course my grandbabies. I have quilted, painted, drawn, needlepointed, machromaid [I know that's spelled wrong] the list goes on...lol. The jewlery seems to be the best for me though because it incorporates my love of stone and allows me to own, or give as a gift, something that I couldn't afford if I had to buy it.

Talk about writting a book...lol. I guess I better close here.

Later,

Renee'

Jane,

Thanks for the Pizza recipie. I can't wait to try it. I bought the stuff to make the pancakes and hope to use your recipie soon, It sounds great.

What type of things do you sculpt? Do you always use clay? I've often wanted to try wood but have never given it a try. I would love to see some of your work, I bet it's wonderful.

Do your children have an artistic interest? I think that sort of "bug" is often born into someone and passed from generation to generation.

Our youngest Joseph makes knives and swords and etches granite among other things. Our middle child Jonathan and our oldest Mandy both draw wonderfully but I don't think either of them will ever take it any further. Joseph however may. He seems driven by it.

I have wonderful memories of crafting with my mother. She makes baby dolls now.

Later,

Renee'

Hi again...
 

I am like you Renee, I enjoy what I do as far as helping people in their time of need. We dont really hear from the people afterwards to often. But it feels good to have helped them. We dont charge a lot for a casket so we get orders from alot of people who could not afford it otherwise.
I bet those bedspreads are pretty, I crochet alot myself, I love to make baby blankets for all my friends and family. I love that soft thread.
It really soothes my nerves.
This is going to be a really hard day for me, I can already tell, it is raining, so I can't get outside and work in the yard. All the family is gathered around watching television, and eating!!!!
I am really hungry for something sweet, had a mock danish with liquid sweetner to try to save on carbs. I guess I need to eat some meat and forget about it. My son had a Nutty Buddy ice cream a little while ago, and I thought I might could have wrestled him for it. :(
I need to find something to do, I am having a really hard time resisting today for some reason.
I love the rain, we need it bad. But it makes me feel like, well EATING!!!
I need a snack that is safe. I think I will try to make some low carb chili and put cheese in it, that sounds good.
My son is setting here and he says Mom quit begging for food over the internet, people are going to think you are starving.Ha Ha Ha....
Well, I may be back for (supper) I mean support, I am feeling weak. I am going to fix the chili and see how it turns out. Will talk to you guys later.


:p :(

Melanie,

I know what you mean about the weather, rainy days make me very sluggish. I could sleep them away with no problem at all. When I'm tired I have a harder time resisting temptation.

I know I shouldn't but I think I would have a cup of coffee to help wake me up and find something [craft perhaps] to keep my hands busy. Listening to my fav cd would distract my mind, and could be done while my hands were busy. If all else failed a little exercise is always a last resort..lol I told you I'm a couch potato.
[but I do love weight training] A ride to the nearest department store for a walk indoors maybe?

Other distractions:

1] Curl up in bed with a good book

2] Write a short story for your children about someone overcoming a desire to do something they shouldn't

3] Pull out skinny clothes and see how many of them are almost within the realm of reality if you stick to your guns

4] Pull out pics of a skinnier time and compare them to your heaviest

5] Pray

6] Go out to your work shop and organize your stuff

7] Search the net for Haseldon inspiration stuff [this is a company who publishes books for OA and other 12 step groups] I'm sure there are more names but this is the only one I'm familiar with.

8] Take a long bath w/candles...the whole 9 yards, and give yourself a facial and paint every nail in site...lol

9] If you have dogs, give them baths [if you are like me they need it anyway...lol]

10] And throughout your whole day know that your friends here are thinking about you and sending you well wishes.

((((((((((((((((Melanie))))))))))))))))))
In case you don't know that is a cyber hug. The best thing about a cyber hug is that you get it over and over, every time you look at it!!

:angel: :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:

Good luck Melanie. I know you can do it, now just prove it to yourself!!!!

Later,

Renee'

I made some chili, it was good, I put some cheese in it. I read in my Atkins book awhile. Folded some laundry. I am really full now, and maybe will make it. I really appreciate all your ideas Renee, I do need to bathe my pooch, and then maybe like you said a long soak for me, and maybe a walk. It has stopped raining, it is really muddy though, (dirt road). I am feeling better after eating.
I am just getting a little tired of same old thing. I used to live on junk food, ice cream, cookies, chips, cokes. I know that it is not good for me, but I still miss my oreos and big glass of milk. I am going to try my very hardest not to get into those habits again. You know it is really effecting me, not to have my diet pepsi, I guess I am addicted to the caffiene, I miss them alot and am having a really hard time not drinking one.
I am really glad that maybe by the time winter is here, I will have lost the weight and be able to have more carbs, because it is hard for me to be cooped up inside and not eat.
It really helps to have friends to talk to. I really thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the time you put into helping me.
I will make it, and so will you. I just know it.
And thanks so much for the cyber hug.....
Heres one for you...
((((((((((((Renee))))))))))))))
I am going to take your advise and have a long bubble bath, and then a facial, and the whole nine yards. And a walk with my son, (only have one of them tonight, my youngest is spending the night with his granny) I am going to be okay now. It is also my TOM, and I always get a little messed up, hormones I guess.
My son just had a wonderful suggestion, he has a new card game called boomo, he says we could figure out how to play it. Marvelous idea, and then I'll soak...........
Thanks again Renee, I needed the encouragement.
(my son wants to know who TOM is?????? Oh my God)
He is 13 maybe time to tell him.....
Later.... :daze: Melameter

munchies eeeeeek!!!!
 

hey girls:
tom is the culprit, girls. it makes you crave like crazy. i've been going thru it for days. i finally bought a big bag of almonds (with skins on) and nibble on just a few when i get cravings. its the best of all the evils. my daughter sam makes these chocolates too that kind of help except you can over do them to.
after gerry's in bed it's pretty quiet when the kids are all out. and then the craving monster attacks. that's when i get on the internet. it helps to talk to you girls.
renee' i'd love to see your jewellry. i personally don't wear much but i particularly like earrings. especially odd earrings that are meant to go together. they are hard to find. sometimes i will buy to odd earrings that are similar in a part. hard to explain. i probably sound weird to you.
my sculptures are about relationships. mothers and daughters has been a theme since my mom died. i also do raqu angels but not very often cause you have to know someone who's doing a raqu firing (put sculpture in a hole in the ground with leaves or sawdust and cover with earth the smother...they come out with incredible metallic colours and faces and hands are black)
anyway, i also have done couples falling in love, father's out with sons, nativities where mary is asleep and joseph is holding jesus. lots of contraversy over that one. tried painting but find clay my best outlet.
my kids are fairly creative. aaron can draw incredibley but never does any more. he's also a comic. jess is not too crafty or artistic must be from the daniel side. sam is kind of crafty. an incredible creative cook. makes up recipes all the time. marnie (foster daughter) most like me, paints, acts, sings, models. she's in a molson commercial. nice move for her career but she says i act so that i can paint, thats her passion. actually, my kids are very gifted in relationships. sam with problem children .... she's amazing and wants to open her own alternative school eventually. jess with handicapped children....she often can get them to reach a higher potential. and aaron has a way with troubled youth and is taking a councelling course in the fall. our pastor wants to train him for helping kids in trouble. kids respond easily to him in fact he and nadine invited a lot of kids to their wedding cause they have a relationship with so many.
kind of ironic that i sculpt relationships and my kids live it. hhmmm.

:cheer: i'm rooting for you girls to keep that old carb monster at bay. we're in this together. your can beat those cravings . lets put all these creative minds together and come up with some more ideas. renee' gave us a good start.

here's a big hug for each of you.
later, girls,
jane :wave:

:bhug: :bhug: :D

Hey Jane ......
 

You are right, we are in this together, and we can do it!!!!
I feel alot better now. It has been a hard day for me. One of the hardest yet. 2 months now I have not cheated at all. I did not today, but I had to try hard not to. I think like you said it is tom that causes it. And this dreary day has not helped. :( I went and walked this evening, it rained on me all the way. It just has not been my day. I will go to bed and wake up in a better frame of mind tomorrow.
Your sculpting sounds really neat. I bet you have alot of fun doing that kind of work. It sounds interesting. And your kids all seem very talented too. I think it takes a special person to help a child, wonderful. The world would be a better place if all people were like that instead of the awful people who abduct kids from their homes and such. It takes a really sick mind to hurt a child. I know that if anyone ever hurt one of mine, I would die, or they would, dont know which. Ya'll know what I mean, I would never hurt anyone, but it would devastate me for anything to happen to one of my kids.
Well, buds I want to thank you both for helping me get through this day. It has been a big help to log on and see that I am not alone. THANKS!!!
I am going to make it now. I ate more today than I normally do, trying to get past the cravings, but at least it was stuff that was okay. If I would have had a banana split around I would have been in the confession forum right now... :daze:
Better day ahead...... Melameter

cheating!!!
 

hi melanie:
i'm really proud of you. you didn't cheat and that's a real accomplishment. i wish i could say the same. i've been through 3 toms since i started this diet and i've never had such strong cravings. i think it might be because of the wedding. i did eat cake and some potatoe. and there were munchies like fruit etc and there was left over food in the house and i got into it. yes i'm ashamed :blush: but i'm back on track. tom is on the way out and with your help i will go through withdrawal again and not go off again.
your problem with strong cravings maybe cafine withdrawal. cafine elevates insulin which makes us crave carbs. hmmmm. so many could bes.
just got back from taking gerry home and tomorrow is canada day so i'll be out celebrating with friends. first to the gym, then to a friends for the day, then to the park for fireworks. maybe we should have a picnic in the park tomorrow that would be fun!
i haven't been on a picnic in years. sounds like a plan. hope the others want to go. :sunny: it's supposed to be hot tomorrow so i don't know how long i'll last. i get heat stroke very easily. i'm game though.
back at you tomorrow sometime.
jane

Melanie & Jane,

I'm proud of you Melanie, for resisting temptation and hope you are too!!!

Girls,

In the hospital we were taught to plan for temptation. In other words make a list of different ways to distract yourself from what ever is tempting you. Of course we were also told to try and figure out what was causing the temptation, this is the hard part. There is almost always an emotional reason for the problem.

1] Are you feeling isolated?
2] Are you feeling guilty?
3] Are you feeling unloved?

and on and on.....

Since I always had a problem identifying my "trigger" I'm affraid that I may be of little help in this respect.

The whole premis here is that we eat out of emotional need and or in order to cover less than desirable feelings. While I most assuridly agree that this is a very sound theory, I do have a problem using the info to my benifit. However, having said that,
I did want to give you the chance to use it if you could. I know for a fact that it was tremendously helpful for many who were hospitalized with me.

There are tons of very good information available to help people with "food issues". While most of it is geared towards eating disorders I still feel it could be very helpful to anyone in our position, disorder or not. I have mentioned Haseldon only because I am familiar with their publications, there are more like them I am sure.

Also all 12 step groups are free to the public and free of charge.
I very highly recommend them to anyone who is open to that sort of thing, while I understand that there are many who are not.

Hormones do in fact trigger many people to crave, as does weather. It's a good idea to sit down and make a list of the things that trigger you and then make a list of things you can do to counter those cravings. Keep it as real as possible, don't list things you know you won't do, concentrate on the things you really think could help. Keep your lists handy and work through them when you need to.

The most helpful thing on my list, singing through tapes of Bonny Rait, might be something that could trigger someone else. Everyone is different, find what works for you.

God I hope you don't see me as a know it all now. I'm sorry if it looks like it. I just want to give you as much amunition as I possibly can. This is a war, and we have to win. Somewhat dramatic I know, but true just the same.

((((((((((((Melanie))))))))))))))) thanks for my hug

((((((((((((Jane)))))))))))))))

Renee'

Hi girls...
 

Renee...
I dont see you as a know it all, I appreciate ever thought that you have. It really helps me. All day yesterday, when I was having a hard time, I thought of my buddies on the internet and felt I could not cheat because somehow I would be letting ya'll down. Weird huh?
I think it is great to share your thoughts with Jane and I, and I am sure Jane feels the same.
I think Jane may be right about the soda. I have had a hard time leaving it alone. That may be what I am craving.
And as far as emotional issues, I am a little torn about the kids leaving. I feel like I am going to miss them, but yet can't wait for them to go.... I am looking forward to my free time, and feel a little guilty for that. I am going to enjoy some things, I dont normally take time to do, while they are gone. The kids are looking forward to their visit with their dad, but he is living with his sister right now, who has no kids, and does not really care for kids, so of course my kids are not looking forward to staying there. They wish their dad was anywhere besides at her house. So that makes me feel bad. The last time the boys stayed with her, Levi, my oldest, called me and said if you dont come and get me, I am going to walk home. It is 2 hours away, so ya'll can imagine my mixed feelings.
Of course their dad wants them to come, I am going to stop worrying about it, it is high time he had to do some worrying.
Jane... I hope you enjoy your outing today, it sounds like great fun to go have a picnic. I appreciate your help getting through yesterday too, and will be glad to help you thru your rough days too. I know whatever it is, tom or the sodas are the emotions, it is hard to get past it. I did like Renee suggested yesterday, and took a long soak in the tub, put egg whites on my face, my skin is glowing and soft, took care of my nails everything, when the boys dad sees me, he may want to get married again!!!! This time I will say NO!!!
Ha Ha Ha..... I do feel better, I want to lose weight really bad. I did buy some new shorts the other day and bought a size smaller, yipee.
We can do this girls, it just takes a little willpower which can be hard to drum up sometimes but with wonderful support like we have, we can do it!!
I have to go pack up the boys things and get them ready, I will be gone all day tomorrow. Have to meet the kids dad in Lampassas, and then go help the neighbors ship their cattle. Will probably talk to ya'll later today..... Mel

hi girls,
just a quick note to say that i do appreciate all that you know and don't feel bad for knowing stuff that will help others. we all have a little knowledge that will be of use and i want to know for sure that you won't with hold anything that might help. i feel so much better knowing that there are two wonderful people out there who are willing to shore me up when i need it. i do have some emotional issues to deal with and i'll share more this evening when i get home.
i'm off to simcoe with my friend to take her son to camp for the summer. now there's a girl that has no guilt about getting rid of her son so she can have some quality time with herself and her husband. she was whoohooing over the phone when she was asking me to go with her for the company.
later girls,
jane

Mel Again...
 

I think after the day I have had with my kids, I am going to be woooooohoooohing too. They have been a pain in my behind. My oldest,Levi is 13 and younger brother,Colton is 10. Colton is jealous of anything Levi does. It gets so tiring. Levi is old enough to do alot of things Colton is not able to do , so the fight is on. They are going to fight over who gets front seat on the way to Lampassas in the morning, so I have decided they can both sit in the back. I suggested that halfway I could pull over and they could switch, so then they fight over who goes in the front first :rolleyes: I suggested flipping a coin, and then someone is cheating, ohhh you cant win for losing.
I am going to enjoy the break. I just thought I was going to miss them....... (kidding)
Well, Jane did you enjoy your outing? Looks like you have had a busy day. I have cleaned house all day. I have tile floors throughout my whole house, and it is a job to mop them. Got lots of exercise.We have had a terrible time with grasshoppers, they get in the house and make a tremendous mess, and they stink. They spit this awful looking stuff, looks like tobacco. Have it looking and exspecially smelling nice. Glad I am through.
I am not looking forward to the cattle working tomorrow neither. My neighbors, but we all have to help each other out, have to scratch their back, so they will scratch mine, you know how it is...
He wants me to cut his hair too, so I guess I will. They are going to cook two goats, and feed everybody after we get the cattle done. I dont care for goat, to much, it is to greasy.
Well, think I will go walk now, will log on in awhile and chat back at you Jane.... Mel

canada day
 

hi mel,
i had a great day. i went for coffee with my friend claire, then i kept my other friend ruth company while she drove he son to camp trillium (special camp for cancer patients and their siblings) he's a councellor in training. his older brother is a survivor. had leukemia at 5.... he's now 23. he's a walking miracle.
then i went to the park with claire and her family for a picnic and to watch the fireworks. it was beautiful.
my daughter jess had cleaned my kitchen for me while i was out. i didn't even ask her to. what a sweetheart she can be.
as for emotional reasons for eating.....i have tons of reasons. sexual abuse as a child, moving all the time (no stability or roots), rape, jilted at the alter, alcoholism, married to emotional abuser and controll freak for 25 years. not to mention low self esteme from learning disabilities. although i've worked through a lot of these things, i still think a large reason for eating is addiction to carbs. i believe the addictive nature comes from feeling out of control. i know that sounds simplistic but having worked through a lot of emotional problems, i honestly believe addictions, although partly hereditary, get trigger by emotional trauma. its a form of escape from the trauma. i could be wrong but so far the theory seems to make sense for my life.
i am very happy now. i have wonderful friend, family, community, home etc.
now i'm getting a handle on my carb addiction. if i stay away from carbs, like i stay away from alcohol, i can control my addiction. carbs are poison....alcohol is poison....to me.
so much for the story of my life. now i'm praying for the grace and mercy of God to give me another 52 years to do it right!!!
i'm tired tonight.
enjoy your time off from your kids. and don't worry if their having a good time or not. you have a good time. don't ruin your time off by worrying and fretting and feeling guilty because you are happy to have a break.
parents deserve time off. we make enormous sacrifices for our kids and can not afford to burn out.
i'm off to bed
:yawn:
goodnight,
jane
ps. i love having you girls as friends. thanks.

Jane,
I've heard it said that all eating disorders stem from some type of sexual abuse. [although this is a controversial train of thought] I myself have been abused and am proud to hear how much you've worked through. Unless you've been through it you really have no understanding of the type of self esteem issues we face due to our pasts.

Theories abound, but the one that I believe most is that we use fat as a barrier, like a shield from any further abuse and we use food as a comfort and, at the same time, as a means to punish ourselves. The more we eat the larger our barrier, but the more lothsome we feel because of it. We already feel undeserving of love and the fat, and societies reaction to it, simply reinforces that untrue feeling. The human mind can do wonderful things, but is also capable of self tourture.

Addictions are all the same. Heroine, alchohol, cocain, food it doesn't matter, these are all just objects of addiction. The object of anyones addiction is NOT the issue. The true issue is what the object is covering. Once we get to the bottom of the true issue and begin to deal with it, the addiction becomes managable. This does not mean that we are cured however. Once you become addicted you will be, to some degree, for the rest of your life. The trick is to learn how to treat yourself better, without guilt, and keep it up. But first you have to KNOW that you deserve it.

It sounds like you have gotten to the point where you KNOW you deserve to be happy and have made quite a lot of headway in that area. Have you had counceling? If not you are one smart lady to have figured so much out by yourself. Most people can't see these things until they are pointed out to them, and some refuse to see it even when they are.

It's also pretty typical for us to hook up with an abusive and or addicted husband. We feel more comfortable with what we know and it's just too easy to allow someone else to treat us the way our messed up minds tell us we deserve to be treated. Thank God I avoided that. It's only by chance I must admit, or the grace of God.

I married a man I met while working as a waitress in a bar. He came in every night and stayed until closing. I was smitten before I realized that the only reason he was a regular was because I was working there. My warped mind had felt he was safe, thinking he was a heavy drinker. He will have a drink for social occasions but is basically not a drinker at all...lol.

I think you could really get a lot out of OA, AA or ALANON. You would be shocked by how many people could tell YOUR story verbatem, because it's also theirs. It is a wonderful feeling to know that you are not the only one.

Later,

Renee'

Melanie,

LOL...you tickle me. It's not been too long since my rugrats were driving me up the wall during long drives. I've heard enough, "He's touching me" and "Are we there yet" 's to last a lifetime. It's funny now to look back on, but I remember wanting to pull out my, if not their, hair.

Enjoy your time away from them. You deserve it and they do to. It's good to be away from them every once in a while, kinda helps you enjoy them more. And I suspect it may help them enjoy us more as well...lol

Later,

Renee'

renee:
actually i have had no formal councelling but a have a really special group of close friends from church that have helped me through some ugly stuff. i wouldn't say i'm smart, (i stayed with an abusive mate for 25 years), but little by little over the last 20 years i learned to do things for myself to make me feel worth while. one of the important things was to understand that i'm not stupid i'm a little different or unique. no matter what happened to me i was valuable to God. so every day i'd get up in the morning even on a really bad day and say "i'm valuable, i'm creative, i have a purpose, and i'm loveable, what will i do for me today?" if someone gave me a compliment i would say "thank you" and add it to my morning statement. "you have lovely eyes" or i love your belly laugh" whatever.
eventually i left the abuse. i still have some battles to fight, one being my weight. these though are just skirmishes the war has been won!!!! :yay:
the biggest hurdle to get over is the ego. if you can just lay it down and hear what people are saying possitively and constructively and believe that all things are possible given some faith, you change and so does life.
i know that some of this sounds glib but it has worked for me. i refuse to believe that things will never change. everything except God changes. we are in constant evolution.
i am a thin woman!
went to the gym today and could hardly work out its been so hot here. unusual for this time of year. it doesn't usually get this hot until the end of july. i can't imagine what the rest of the summer will be like. one good thing is its forcing me to drink gallons of water.
i find the humidity even invades the air conditioning.
tonight the girls play baseball and so if it cools down a bit i'll go cheer them on. they are brave souls.
later,
jane

Hi girls.....
 

Renee, I cant beleive how much alike we are. I met my husband the same way you did. I had just divorced and was working in a bar. My husband started coming in and staying all night. He asked me to go to horse races with him, and we have been together ever since, (8 years). We go have a drink with our friends every friday evening but other than that my husband does not drink alot. Maybe a glass of wine at home every now and then. I love frozen margaritas and colorado bulldogs, but not on my diet.

And Jane, I am proud of you for coming thru all that with such a good attitude. You know I guess we all go thru our own troubles. My ex husband moved me to Florida, and then come to find out later, he was living with me, and another woman at the same time. My 5 year old son (at the time), told me about it, and then when I confronted my husband he called our son a liar. I found out for sure it was true, and I left him, took the kids with me. My son had to have counseling for 5 years because he thought it was his fault that his dad and I divorced, his dad did not talk to him for 8 months. I fell out of love with him very fast. His girlfriend that he was living with, I happened to get ahold of over the telephone when I pushed redial, and sure enough just like Levi had told me Kris answered the phone. I told her that she could have Randy because I was leaving as soon as I could get packed. It was really funny, because she said Randy had not told her he was married, and she did not want a relationship with someone who would lie to her, so he ended up alone. Served him right I say.

I love my kids and would not take anything for them, but I really messed up getting involved with their dad. But they say all things happen for a reason, and I did learn alot from the experience.
Now I have a good husband, and alot better life. My kids do to.

Well I got the kids delivered to Lampassas, and made it back home. Got Lucky and did not have to work the cattle, so I am enjoying being alone for a while, it is nice. Think I will call my mom for a long chat. Need to call for a hair appointment too, my hair is getting to long, cant stand it!!!

I enjoy talking with ya'll too, it really is nice. I think it is neat how we all have so much in common. Well I will talk more later guys.
Melameter

Jane,

You are soooo right. The battle is won, we need only accept it and live accordingly. God is the victor and we are the ones who get to enjoy his victory!!

You are very advanced. Those friends of your must have known their stuff. God sends his angels...

A lot of people have a BIGGGGG problem realizing that we are spiritual beings, especially those who've experienced what we have.

There are the physical the emotional and the spiritual parts in all of us. If any of the three gets "out of wack" the whole thing will be in danger of crumbling.

And FYI the most intelligent people often have "learning disorders". I hate it that they even call it that, disorder, how rediculas. The simple fact is that it's not a disorder at all, but a different way of learning. Who said everyone should learn the same way? God didn't use a cookie cutter to create us, and aren't we blessed that he didn't.

You seem VERY SMART to me, and I would bet good money [if I did that sort of thing] that I'm not the only one you've heard that from.

I never even graduated high school. But I do not consider myself to be dumb. My priorities were to take care of my child, and I was forced to quit in order to do so. I haven't allowed that to hold me back. I have raised 3 children and learned as much everyday as I could. Now I own my own company and have quite a few people fooled that I have some sort of intelligence... unless they have to read my awful spelling....lol.

I don't let my opinion of myself be formed by other people, and believe me that was a VERY hard lesson to learn.

Later,
Renee'

Melanie,

I just can't believe how many things we 3 have in common. If this were a movie it wouldn't be believed.

I know it sounds silly but I just keep saying "cooooool" over and over....lol.

Your poor son, having to be the one who told you. His father should...never mind, I try not to think such things.

It is hilarious that he ended up alone. Good for him...lol

I love my daughter and would not take anything for her either, so I know what you mean about your sons. If things had been different it might have been easier, but I would have never had her, so I'm happy to have lived through all the hard times that I did.

She was born when I was 16 and unmarried. In those days that was a big deal, now it's not so taboo. We had a real hard time there for a while. I had to quit school and go to work. I'm so glad that I made all the choices that I did, although I'd never recommend them to anyone else.

I'm proud of it now, not of how she came to be born, but that she is mine and that I kept her instead of giving her up for adoption. [I had to fight tooth and nail to] She is quite a source of joy to me, as are her children, my grandsons. I think I did a good job by her too. She's a wonderful strong woman.

Oh and by the way she now works in a pool hall...lol...round and round it goes. She is happily married to a wonderful guy and he works with us in the business.

Later,

Renee'

hey girls:
your know girls that my kids had a dad the whole time they were growing up but to him they were just a source of irritation. if it wasn't for the kids and i he could have had a better life. he was stuck in a job he hated and he had to pay for our way in the world. i was pregnant when we married but i thought he loved me and was thrilled to have a new baby on the way. either he was a good actor or i was in denial. anyway things changed really quickly. we were his big burden. but the possitive part of all this is he helped to produce 3 absolutely wonderful kids and i do not regret that. my kids are coming to terms with their dad. they love him but consider him emotionally and mentally ill. he lives in a house full of stuff. there's just a pathway through all the rooms. i managed to hide stuff for years but eventially it just overflowed. he can't see that there is something wrong with allowing a house to literally fall down around you for lack of care (they won't even insure it) and being so meticulous as to save your pennies to make sure your bills are paid. he refused to work on his relationship with his kids. he just guilts them until they have to back off. then he cries the blues. they have come to terms with who he is and realize that if he could he would do better.
i sometimes think that the things we go through as kids make us make decisions to either better our lives or let ourselves have an excuse for bad behavior.
so much for philosofizing (?)
its been a very hot day and i feel the humidity. i think i'll go to bed.
good night ladies,
jane

Jane,

quote
"i sometimes think that the things we go through as kids make us make decisions to either better our lives or let ourselves have an excuse for bad behavior."

You are so right. How many people have perfect childhoods? I'd venture to say no one does. Adversity teaches lessons. Those lessons form us for good or bad, according to how we choose to allow it.

I used to scoff at the sayings, "You choose your mood", "Choose to have a good day" and things like that. Now I realize that happiness is a choice. You can either sit and stew over past transgressions or look to the future with hope and confidence while making it come true by taking small steps towards it.

In fact the whole idea of LC living [or any number of positive life changes, for that matter] is based on this "look to the future with hope and confidence while making it come true..." way of thinking.

Sorry for the ranting again, but I do very strongly believe in what you said. I could sit watching TV eating my way to a heart attack because I'm a "victim" or, I can make baby steps toward a healthy future. It is a choice, and the choice is up to me.

Thank you for sharing your experiences Jane. It is very helpful to me. You must know that in writting to you and Melinda I am also writting to myself. Weird isn't it, but when I put something in writting it helps to solidify vague feelings that are floating around in my head...lol... :daze:

Later,

Renee'

renee':
writing to you girls has been great therapy for me too. i suppose that's why a lot of therapists use journalling to help their patients.it helps to bring those vague thoughts from the back of your mind to the forfront.
i started journalling when i left my husband in '98. mostly it's my spiritual journey. but a lot of stuff got dealt with because it floated to the surface. when i write to you and melanie, it is sort of like writing to myself except that something wonderful happens, someone responds! :D
in helping one another we are helping ourselves.
today will be a quiet day for me. it's too hot out there for me and i'm hyper sensitive to the humidity. the humidex reading for this morning is 45 degrees.
I'll water my plants before it gets unbearable and then i'll stay put. even with the air on it's still almost 30 degrees in my house.
have a great morning, ]jane

Hey again....
 

Hi Girls..... I just thought I would say hello. Been busy today. Went and got a perm and haircut. my hairdresser is my best friend, so I stayed and visited with her for most of the day. We waxed our upper lip, ohhh it hurt, did not know I had so much hair there until she jerked that stuff off. OUCH!!!!
I dont know about the hair, a little shorter than I like, but it is only hair, it will grow back. May feel good as hot as its been. I had alot of fun, painting nails and doing girl stuff all day.
But ya'll are not going to beleive this, the boys dad came and got them yesterday morning, called this morning and said he is going to have to bring them back home. His sister wants him to move out, so he has no place to keep them. So much for my vacation...... I dont care, I am glad they are coming home, they dont need to be mixed up in his mess. It never fails with him, you cant depend on him for anything.
I am so grateful to my mom, and my husbands mother. They are going to each keep one of the boys while we go to Las Vegas. I appreciate them both. It is really nice of my mother because she is a Jehovahs Witness, and does not agree with gambling. I am really not a big gambler, but my husband likes it, so mostly I just watch him, and enjoy going to a dinner show or something like that. I respect her religion, and she respects my husband, so it works out.
Well girls what have ya'll been up to, I have missed ya'll. Funny how you two have become a part of my life. I was telling my friend today how much I enjoy talking with ya'll. And how it really motivates me to do well on my diet. She said we should have a pact to have a treat like a gooey dessert if we lost 10 pounds or something like that, I told her if we did that we would gain back 15 pounds. I dont think it is a good idea to reward yourself with food. Better to buy yourself something you really want or spend a day doing something you really like or whatever, but no gooey dessert.
I cant tell ya'll how glad I am that my kids are coming home, I had a bad feeling about it anyway, and wish I would have never let them go, I knew it would never work with his sister who dont like kids. I'm surprised it lasted for one night. I dont want my kids staying with anyone who dont really want them in the first place. I guess its just a mother thing.
I guess I better close now and get to bed, we are going to have a little bar b que tomorrow for the 4th. So I better get some sleep. I will talk to ya'll soon. Goodnight.....
I should go post in my journal haven't for a couple days now, but I will tomorrow. Have it all written down. May have eaten to many peanuts today, but they tasted so good.

good morning girls:
Melanie! you've been out having some girl fun. now there's nothing that refreshes a woman more than having a little fun with her girlfriends. having your hair done is a good thing. it'll always grow back. this afternoon i'm having a bunch of girls over to watch the 6 hour version of pride and prejudice". we've done it before and had a riot. we get lots of lc food, and sit around and laugh and cry and yell at the heroine to kiss him. i'm really looking forward to it.
it's funny how we always know, as mothers, that the kids are in trouble or there's something wrong with a situation their going into, it took me a lot of years to listen to that inner voice. sometimes it's out of our control though. your kids get to see their real dad though. makes it hard for them to fantasize about him, though. my oldest daughter was in denial about her dad for years but i never had to say one negative thing about him i just gave him enough rope and he hung himself. i remember the first time she admitted that he had a flaw. we were sitting in wendy's restaurant and she just blurted out, "he is so cheap mom, i can't believe it." He never offered to help with the wedding or anything. what does that say to his kids. poeples true colours always come out.
i get gerry again today so i better get the room ready, and i need to go to the gym this morning i have done nothing for 2 days .... too hot.
it will be a busy day but i'll try to keep up the communication. i do miss you when you're busy.
it's interesting how we have become such good friends. maybe it's psychologically easier to bear our hearts.....who are you going to tell. and there' s no control issues in cyberspace. i tell you girls things that i don't tell everyone. in fact i'm mulling over something that's very secret to my heart, only my sisters know about it. i kind of want to share it with you but i can't bear it if somebody says to me "what a stupid thing to do, you should have just let sleeping dogs lie".
i will get back to you soon :wave: have a wonderful day!
jane

Good Morning Girls,

Melanie, I bet you are relieved to know your children are comming home where it's safe. It must be absolute torture to have to send them away, knowing what you are sending them to. I have friends and relatives who have similar situations and I see how much it tears them up to watch their children walk out that door. Thankfully your children know you are there for them and will be when they need, or just want you.

It's wonderful that you have GOOD people you can rely on. Family support is a Godsend at times like this.

Believe it or not I have studied with the Jehovas Witnesses. I have found them to be wonderful people. If I were to ever become involved with an organized religion I think they would be it. I have problems with the smoking part [I do and can't stop, no matter how hard I've tried]

I know they are the but of a lot of jokes, and that many people have a real problem with them, but I respect them very deeply and only wish I could live up to their standards.

Jane, isn't it strange how open we are with each other. I am basically a private person, most people I know know very little about me. I have no problem bareing my sole here [except for the spelling....lol] In fact I feel compelled to. Maybe, for me anyway, it's because I realize that the only way I will meet my goal is if I am completly honest with myself, and by talking to you two I am vicariously talking to myself.

If you can put up with my spoutings I certianly can deal with anything you have to say. And I promise never to belittle or judge anything you reveal. Besides, as much alike as we three are, we've probably done the same thing anyway...lol. So bring it on girl, what are you waiting for.... :there:

With love and Respect,

Renee'

I agree with Renee, I would never judge anyone, or belittle them. You can imagine how stupid I feel for getting involved with my ex, I blame it on my having been young and stupid at the time. It makes me feel better.
And I am so glad my kids are coming home, their dad is going to be living in his truck, he says.
He would rather do that than hold down a steady job, because they are going to withhold child support. I picked a good one didn't I......
I agree with you about the Jehovahs Witnesses also, my mother is the stongest person I know. And very dedicated to her religion. Actually it is her life. ( I dont know how to spell)
Jane, I bet you will have alot of fun with your girlfriends. My sister that died, had 2 daughters, and they are not a lot younger than me, I'm 33, my neices are 28, and 26. We get together like that sometimes and spend time together, they are more like best friends to me. It kind of makes me feel close to my sister somehow. She was the only sister I had. I have one brother left living, and his wife and I dont get along at all. She cheats on him all the time, got him to marry her by telling him she was pregnant, it turned out the baby belonged to someone else. Pardon me, I try so hard but she is just to much. I try to be nice and she just snubs me. I am tired of trying. I am not usually like that, but she pushes me to the limit.
One of my neices, I just mentioned, is very pretty and had alot of guys after her, when she was single, and Joni, my brothers wife was jealous, so she told a bunch of these guys that they were wasting their time trying to talk to my neice, Kasandra because she was a lesbian. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. Joni is just a trouble maker. My it sounds like a soap opera....
I guess all families have their crinkles.
I wanted to tell you girls it is really neat how talking to you both helps me with coping with things. I guess like Jane said, I know I can say anything and get it off my mind, because if I say something about someone in my family I know that it is not going to get back to them, and I can air my feelings. I just hope that I never make the two of you feel like I am dumping upon you. Beleive it or not, I care about your feelings, both of you. I think it is really funny, I dont know what either of you even look like, could run into you and never know it, but I feel very close to both of you, and do feel like I could tell you guys anything and you would not critisize me. It is nice to have cyber friends.
Better go now and get ready for the day, I dont know how the bar b que is going to go, it rained all night and is still threatening. But we really need the rain, so I am not going to complain.
Chat with you later...... Melanie

Well girls, here goes.
it may take all day to get this done cause i've got gerry here.
any way let's see it started 36 years ago when i met larry. i was 16 years old and we dated 2 years then got engaged. now, larry had never known his dad and his mom had various men friends. but about 5 years before i met him, his mother married a very nice, albeit a bit boring, man named jack. they lived above a laundry mat in a northern ontario city.
anyway, larry and i fell in love, madly deeply completely. he was so kind and generous and sensitive. then a series of events took place.
the first thing that happened was that my family moved to southern ontario. dad worked for the railroad and moving was normal for us. larry would hitch hike or take the bus to see me and we wrote back and forth. then his mother up and left him and his step dad to run off some guy nobody had heard of. jack and larry were devastated. then jack took off to b.c. leaving larry alone. he had to quit school and get a job and find an apartment fast so he moved in with some friends. i don't know why my parents didn't ask him to come and stay and finish his education, they really loved him. the guys he moved in with started getting into drugs and partying. larry had never been tempted to do drugs before but i began to notice changes in him. i don't doubt he still loved me but it was the 60's and he had been a responsible, hard working, young man until his parents left and i think he couldn't cope with all the separations.
i was young and niave. i knew something was wrong but i didn't know what.
i began to feel frantic inside. the apt. where he lived was becoming a commune and i was uncomfortable with how things were. i decided to go see him. because he had no phone, i sent him a telegram (remember those?) telling him that i would arrive by bus at 5:30 am. when i arrived he wasn't there to get me. so i took a cab to his apt. he didn't get my telegram. and he wasn't alone. there was a girl living there and everyone else had moved out. 'he told me that she was pregnant and he could not leave the child fatherless. he had been wrestling with how to break up with me for weeks.
i managed to make it to my friend's parent's place ( i wailed all the way on the bus) my mother came to get me and i went home. i never saw him again. i had a emotional breakdown and spent 6 wks crying and sleeping.
i knowi never got over him. i shoved him to the back of my mind and moved on as best i could. i quickly became an alcoholic. i was a mess and in those days people didn't confront their problems they ignored them. a couple of years later i got saved. i met my husband through the salvation army. i got pregnant , got married and found out that he was not gentle and kind but mean and violent. we endured 25 years of his tantrums, accusations, ridicule, guilt and blame. Even the church has these kind in them they are called charletans. he wanted to play act but wanted no reality.
i left him 4 1/2years ago.
now, i didn't think of larry everyday in fact years would go by without me consiously thinking of him. i was busy trying to make my marriage work. i haven't even thought of him much since i separated with steve. but i do think of him occasionally, and alway i wonder what happened..... to us .... to him.
about 2 weeks ago i had a dream about him. i can not remember the dream but i remember larry was in it. when i woke up i had an urgent need to find him. i went right to my computer and began to search the internet. it took a couple of days to find him (which i understand is no small feat, a miracle even concidering he had moved to another city and i barely can work my computer.... my daughter-in-law helped me find this website) i talked to my sisters and they suggested that i send a letter asking if he's the larry i know. and if he wants to, to contact me at..... which i did. and now i'm waiting. i'll give him a couple of weeks to respond and then i'll deal with my emotions.
i think i need closure in order to get on to the next stage in my life. i do believe that in some way larry came between my husband and i. and although it doesn't change or excuse his behavior, it may have made our relationship worse.
anyway i've done it and i'm not niave enough to think that he still loves me or that we are even the same people that we used to be. i just need to know.
i don't even think of him in a romantic way. i just needed to do this. after all it was 33 years ago and who knows what water has gone under the bridge.
so that's the story. not as long as i thought. no interuptions.
if nothing else, if he doesn't contact me i'll know that.
the end?
love you guys, :heart:
jane

Jane,

I think even those of us who are happily married wonder how our first beaus are doing from time to time. I know I do. And you are right, it's completly platonic. He was more to me than a beau, he was a friend as I suspect Larry was to you. I see nothing wrong with seeking him out, just so long as you approach it as you would with any stranger. Yes stranger, 33 years changes everyone. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it though. You once were very close, there must have been something that drew you together. You might find a long lost friend.

I would set some ground rules before I met with him tho, just to protect myself. For instance meet in a public place and don't see him again if you suspect or find that he is still using. [Teenagers do a lot of stupid things that they don't continue to adulthood]


Quote

"i do believe that in some way larry came between my husband and i. and although it doesn't change or excuse his behavior, it may have made our relationship worse."

I wouldn't waste another thought on that Jane. You were in an awful marriage. I doubt that "thinking" about an old boyfriend was the cause of his behavior or had anything to do with your marriage breaking up.

Later,

Renee'

Hey Girls....
 

Jane, I am like Renee, there is not a thing wrong with meeting with Larry, just do it in a public place and dont get drawn in if he is still using, and put yourself in a bad position.
I have a story kind of like yours, I was married once before the kids dad. We were married for 2 years. When we divorced, I did not see him again for 8 years. I was working in the bar where I met my current husband, my 1st husband found out that I was working there, so he came in one evening, I recognized him immediantly. We agreed to meet after I got off work to talk. We did, and he told me he was married and had 2 little girls, I told him I was going thru a divorce and had 2 little boys. All he could talk about was how good the sex was between us, and we should go someplace just for "The fun of it"... We had both changed so much, I had always wondered, up to that point, what my life would have turned out like if I had stayed with him. And that night, I knew, I would have been the little wife being cheated on. I never felt bad about leaving him again, and have not seen him again since. When he left me that evening, he told me he was living in Dallas, and if I ever was thru there and wanted to get a room, he would be ready.
That has been 9 years ago, and I hope he was not holding his breath waiting for me to call him, because I never did. That is my story.
I think though that you should find out what Larry is doing for your own peace of mind. I have heard tell of stories that turned out so different than mine. He may be a wonderful person, and you and he may renew an old friendship, and if not just do like I did and dont get involved.
Just dont open up to getting hurt again, take it really slow and easy. Like Renee said, people do alot of things as teens that they may grow out of in time, and if not, steer clear girlfriend.

Well all of the festivities for Independance day around here where canceled, it has rained 20 inches in places. We have had about 5 inches.
It is flooding everywhere. We really needed the rain. But not quite that much.
I am going to go now, and Jane, I hope everything turns out good for you. I will pray about it, and wish you the best of luck.
Hi Renee..... What have you been up to? Have a nice holiday? How are you doing with your diet? I am sticking to it but have not lost a pound in awhile now... We have been invited next Wednesday to eat at my favorite seafood place with some friends, I have been seriously thinking about eating some fried crawfish tails, I have heard that it can help your diet to cheat, if you go right back on it. What do you girls think, am I wishful thinking? I could just eat a salad, let me know what ya'll think, because your input is important to me. Talk to ya soon. Mel