Wow...very well said.

I haven't posted here for a very long time but I just had to respond to your post.

If I was that... anything
 

I work next door to an old folks apartment building. One lady toddles around the parking lot with her walker, wearing a bike helmet. Clearly, her balance is bad, and she's dealing with it. One of my co-workers said, "I'd shoot myself before... "

What a limited outlook. In high school, I remember wondering how I would go on if I had to have a leg amputated the way one of my classmates did, but now that I'm older, I have a different outlook. Most of us do stumble along anyway, so you might as well enjoy whatever ride it is you're on.

Funny to think there are women in other parts of the country getting botox shots so they won't look as old as I do already. Just tI don't think anyone in my zip code has had cosmetic botox, although some of the 80+ may have had it for Bell's palsy. Wish I had that much extra cash--think of all the art supplies I could buy!

Another story: Met a woman once who said, "I wish I could learn to play the piano, but I'll never be as good as the people I hear on the radio." Blasted her. That's not the point. You learn so that you will HEAR those people on the radio differently because you understand better what they know, not because you might ever be good. And when you let go of being "good," you actually start living more.

To me, self-esteem is mostly about living my own life, and not worrying too much about how or why anyone else is living theirs, even if sometimes it feels like their mission is to TRY TO make me feel bad. Whether or not I accept their mission is up to me.

Hey Heath :) You must be crazy! No one should put that post on an ignore list! It is being printed out as we speak and I will be taking the minute or 2 each morning it will take to read that. I am hoping that will help my perspective duing the day as I enounter life. You ARE a wonderful strong person and I am glad we are friends.

~Michelle

Heath, you're incredible.

Heath - what an excellent post! Everyone on this board is very fortunate to have you here!

Dave - I wish I could help more but here's my 2 cents. First, you are very cute! I have a similar to story to most here...fat kid, introverted, no self esteem, always felt like others were judging/ridiculing me. After I turned 30, something just clicked in my head...why is everything about me? I decided that if I wanted good things to happen in my life, I should be doing good things. I decided to seek out ways to volunteer and do good for people who didn't have it as good as me. Extending myself, giving back really made a difference in the way I thought about myself. I wasn't just the fat, ugly girl who couldn't get a date...I was the woman who spent her vacation time at a camp for kids with cancer.

Also, I don't know if others have the same experience but getting older really helped my self-esteem. In my 20s I would get very intimidated by certain situations...after 30, stopped caring what other people thought. I'm 40 now...watch out world!

Hugs to you and take Heath's advice.

Heath, I found your words so inspirational! Thank you for sharing your story!

I spent most of my life thinking I was dumb, ugly and fat. In actually fact for most of the time I was smart, beautiful and slim. I just didn't see it or realise it. It all really is a matter of perspective. Our mind can be our greatest enemy but if we decide, and make the choice, it can also be our best friend!

for me, self-esteem comes from changing the things I can and accepting the things I cant.

HA! - I know this one well, Wildcard. In fact, it may be a good segway for me to talk about self-esteem. You see, I'm a recovering alcoholic. ;)

I enjoyed your story very much, Heath, and think I'll add a short one of my own as well. Hopefully it won't be too long.

First, although we all think of alcoholism in terms of AA there is usually very little anonymous about it. Generally, by the time a person hits rock bottom one's life is in dissaray - it's very public and very humiliating. A real self esteem crusher.

Such was the case for me when I first decided to deal with this. I returned back to my small hometown of Southern MS in 1998 and checked myself in rehab, hands shaking all the way. Luckily, we have one of the nation's best right here. Incidently, I'll even mention it's a facilty that also treated Opra for an eating disorder.

Anyway, although I'd reached the point of facing my problem (or at least investigating it - was still in denial - praying it might not be so - Oh God, anything but this - not this) I again felt humiliated. This is not the kind of thing you want known about you in a small Southern town where word spreads fast and the problem is often seen as one that involves lack of character rather than being a disease.

As a result, while in rehab each night when the vans would load up to go to an AA meeting I'd hang out shly in the background. (this is back in 98). I knew we had more folks in Jolimar than the vans could hold.

Well, one night after the van left I found myself sitting on the front poarch of our housing unit with a older, worn out looking kinda fellow who was trying to break free from his own case of alcoholism and a crack habit. (think I should mention I've never done drugs - not even pot except for a few times in high school - also when I drank all it ever was was beer).

Anyway, he asks me why I never go to a meeting and I respond. I tell him of course, that I don't want anyone to see me going into that AA Hall. After all, this is a small town, ya know.

In a moment that prolly changed my life he turned to me and in a very quiet and elderly Southern way said to me this.

"Well, J.K. I can understand that. You are from here and this is a small town. However, I think I can speak for me. First, everyone in town already knows I'm an alcholic and a drug head. Also, I figure if they even saw me walking around an AA Hall they'd prolly have something positive to day. "At least he's trying to do something about it."

Anyway - it dawned on me at that moment that everyone also probably knew that I was an alcoholic too already - but me. lol.. And it was in that moment that I decided to take the first step. Next time the van loaded up I was the first one on.

Again, that was 98. Following that experience I racked up my first year of sobriety - then slipped. Then got sober again. Then slipped.. Then sobered up again. And I'm glad to say today that at the moment I think I finally have this thing licked. I'll hit two years of sobriety on Halloween. I have no desire really to drink. In fact, I don't even think about it any more unless someone else brings it up - and there is one more change.

It was Heath's story that got me to thinking about it when he mentioned his experience in the airport. For me that's a 'what other people think' thing. It's something that's kinda plagued me all my life (i.e. worrying about what other people think).. And it also bothered me terribly with regard to my alcholism. Today, however, it doesn't bother me at all. I'm actually kinda proud to be a recovering alcoholic. Moreover, if someone should ever make a derogatory remark to me about it I know what I'd say..

Yea, I'm a recovering alcoholic but you tell me. What was the greatest obstacle you ever faced in your life and how did ya come out? :D lol

Nuff said...

We all have our crosses to bear. - no matter who we are, what shape we are in, or where we come from.

Suggestions

Anyway - sorry for rambling but I did want to add. I also have a couple of recommendations on the self esteem thing.

First, I'd recommend reading Scott Pecks, "A Road Less Traveled."

Not only is it a great read and I believe also the best selling self help book of all time, it addresses this issue specifically. For example, the book will help you distinguish between "pride" which is one thing and "self-love" which is another.

Second, I'd recommend studying, if one has not already, "the relational nature of love" - or put more specifically just learning the psychology of how love works. If someone is suffering low self esteem from an unsuccessful love interest IMHO understanding this is key to getting over it.

Then finally, I'd just repeat something my sponsor has pointed out to me.



Truth is many of us walk around in a constant state of worrying what others are thinking about us when in fact they're not thinking about us at all. They're walking around in their own constant state of worry wondering what everyone else thinks about them... lol

It's nuts.. :D

Anyway - thanks for letting me share. Hope that wasn't too long.

And cheers!

Thanks for sharing JK. This is such a tough subject for a lot of us.

~Michelle

JK you said just what my dad used to say to me!

First of all, don't worry what other people think of you, they're not thinking of you, they're wrapped up in their own issues and lives.
Secondly, whose opinions do you rate? So you can ignore what anyone else thinks, cos you don't rate their opinions.
And lastly, some advice given to me by an older colleague and friend, when I first started work and confessed how hard I found it to walk into a social gathering. He said ' don't think "what do these people think of me" but think "what do I think of these people".
Try it - it completely changes your take on a situation and puts you back in the driving seat.

HEATH - some really wise words, I'll read them often, they really helped me.

Some really inspirational stories - thank you to people for being brave enough to share them.
Take care and God bless, Jay

This is a wonderful thread. I am writing a book on this very thing. I am glad I got the opportunity to read all that has been written. You are all very insightful. What a wonderfully, supportive group you all are!

I too was a "fat" kid, and that dwindled my self esteme. I recently realized how that has affected me in adulthood.

I have learned to use positive affirmations daily. They have taken me from someone who hated herself, to someone who truely loves herself.

It all stems from our thought patterns, and what we say to ourselves. If you are constantly telling yourself, consciously or unconsciously that you CAN'T do something, then you won't. If you constantly tell yourself that you HATE something, then you will. I have learned to tell myself that I can do anything. Even exersize. For years I said that I hated it...Now I tell myself that I love it...And you know what? It is working. I do love it! I love the way my body feels when I exersize. I love the way my body moves. The bonus is that it is good for me, and it is helping me achieve my goals much quicker than my WOE alone.

Changing the way you think and the things you say to yourself does take time, but you can really notice a difference very quickly once you start. And you must keep doing this. Never stop believing in yourself, and in the power of your mind!

Hey Summer, Ani_d, jaykay and all..

Then to jaykay - what a cool name.. ;) lol... Also what a cool dad...

Also, to ani - WOW! - writing a book? That's gotta be cool. :)

I also heard mention somewhere of being large as a kid. Okay - in my case I guess I outta go ahead and say it... lol. I wasn't large I was fat.

I don't think I'll every forget that. When I was young me Mum had to drive 80 miles to Sears so that we could find "Chubby" or "Husky" jeans. The local stores did not stock anything large enough to fit me.

In 7th grade (after 'going together was more than friends I guess') I asked a girl named Angie to 'go with me' unknowing really that as I grew older the rules there were changing.

In a nutshell - she laughed - I was crushed - and after that I went on a starvation diet the likes of which I don't think I'll ever see again. In the 7th grade I went from having a 38 inch waist and being five feet three to a 27 inch waist. I was damn near anorexic at the end. Pretty much white as a sheeet and skin and bones.

I continued to remain trim throughout the rest of high school and for quite a few years after that - mostly by running. But even as an adult I don't think I'll ever forget that experience.

Anyway - at least now I know there is a better way to diet than simply going without eating. I'll accomplish the same thing but in a better way.

Someone hand me a roll up, will ya? :D lol

------------
Oh - and as for that 7th grade crush?

Wouldn't have her for a million bucks today... lol

My rambling, unorganized thoughts
 

I have had an on-again, off-again LC flirtation over the last 12 months. One month here, another there. And I even had some good success with it. But it would never stick. Why? Because I had a bad attitude about myself.

The reason I am overweight to begin with was because I used food as an emotional band-aid that started as an early teenager. Feelings of despair over my parents divorce, the alienation from family and friends when I was sent to live with my father because of out of control behavior. The list goes on and on. I retracted into my own world and have never really recovered. I still view myself as an introvert who is not socially adept.

Which is weird because anyone who knows me would probably describe me as one of the nicest, friendliest outgoing persons they know. And I would agree that my outward facade is like that. It just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover. Inside I am a raging ball of self-doubt and second-guessing who never allows himself to relax and stop analyzing everything from a negative viewpoint.

The point is that I have failed to be consistent in my LC goals because I am now using a new type of eating as the before mentioned emotional band-aid. I am trying to fix a deeper self-confidence issue with a better, yet still flawed, temporary fix.

To really be successful, I have to change me. Not just my eating habits.

Expressing myself in terms of writing is my biggest outlet. I won't allow myself to write down the stupid, self-destructive things I say in my head. They just look too stupid on paper (or screen). Instead, I write the positive, reaffirming truth and in doing so, it reinforces it in my head.

Another thing that has helped, oddly enough, is to force yourself to do things that you feel at the very core of you are impossible. Case in point: I have always been extremely shy and awkward around girls. I felt that, combined with my weight and self-esteem issues, that they viewed me as the big loser that I viewed myself as. I decided one day, that since their opinions of me couldn't get any worse, I didn't have anything to lose.

Funny thing is, I have more success with girls now than I ever have. It's a little baffling to be sure. In trying to prove to myself that I was a failure at it, I discovered in the process that I was anything but. It is easy to put yourself down when you allow yourself to believe something with out putting it to the test.

These are just a few examples of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of months to show me that my struggle with weight and in fact, everything in my life, IS COMPLETELY IN MY HEAD.

Destroy the negative thinking at everything else falls into place, like magic.

Hiya
Firstly I'd like to say how wonderful this thread is, there's so much inspirational stuff here!!

I've been battling with my own self-esteem, or lack of! for years and years. I've always been overweight since I was tiny. I had a very stressful upbringing with a father who could go off like a nuke at any second, and often did. This led to comfort eating which led to bullying at school which led to the nuke again - another vicious circle.
I've been in counselling for about a year now, and I'm dealing with my esteem issues there.

Most of our core beliefs are established by the time we're 5 years old. Through changing your thoughts, you can change your feelings and in turn, your actions. It is possible to change your life - you're not doomed to be stuck in the same pattern forever.
Another thing I've thought of it - who will remember in 100 years time? If I do something crazy, who's going to remember it? No-one will be looking at me in a textbook in 2104 and thinking 'Thats the girl who bought hot pink pvc kitten heels and wore them to a job interview!!!' (The shoes are on their way in the post ;))
I am the person who is really in control of my life.
I am the person who links the things I know together.
No-body is really looking, and those who are have nothing better to do.

Its true what they say about those who tease and bully you - they're only doing it because they feel crappy about themselves, and I'd rather be good to people and feel good about myself, than contribute to a widening black hole in my soul (Not that I have one! I'm nice :))

And are there ever some gorgeous people around here ;)